Lingering between awake & sleep is a nightly ritual. I’m not confident why I do it to myself; there is no logical explanation I am able to share with you.
Once in a great while, I will treat myself to a 10:00 bedtime; lights out, just-go-to-sleep kinda night. The morning following a 10:00 sleep time – I love myself & vow to do it again. While I am making this knowingly fake vow, I can literally hear me laughing at myself. Yeah sure, ok…whatever you say. You’re silly.
The next night comes…
10:58pm, if I go to bed right now I’ll get 6 hours and 32 minutes of sleep.
[Sidenote: My clock watching abilities are top notch. This is not only a bedtime talent – I am well versed in watching the clock at all hours of the day. I am always aware how much time I have remaining until I have to or want to begin my next task – but, that’s a story for a different day. Check back, I’m bound to write about my TIME OCD sooner rather than later.]
The problem I’m faced with nightly is that if I go to bed right now, today is over & tomorrow might as well just begin. Avoiding the next day I’m not – Just not quite ready to let go of the present. I do not know what tomorrow holds – but I am in full control of right now.
I pick up my phone & open up whatever app I’m not bored with yet – half pay attention to the noise coming out of the television set & continuously question if maybe I should give into my droopy eyes & drift off to sleep.
Nope, you win again Angry Birds. (The only reason this App still peaks my interest: I feel the need to prove to myself I am capable of beating each level at a higher level at the same level my 7 year old did last year).
11:21pm, if I go to bed right now I will get 6 hours & 9 minutes of sleep. My phone just fell out of the grip of my hand & hit the bridge of my nose. I have a legit fear it may be broken or at the very least oozing a red substance. I use my sailor mouth to curse out my phone & place it on my nightstand. Stupid phone.
My nose is not broken – or bleeding. I’m okay.
11:31pm, if I go to bed right now I will get 5 hours & 59 minutes of sleep. I can function off 5 hours pretty well…what should I do now? I know I will be sleepy tomorrow, so the most logical thing to avoid sleep is to make a to-do list for tomorrow. I reach for my notebook with the most pure of intentions to get a head start on my tomorrow.
How long was I sleeping? I must have dozed… I look down at my notebook and acknowledge the single downward wavy line my pen created as my eyelids gave up. Quitters.
11:59pm, if I go to bed right now I will get 5 hours & 37 minutes of sleep. As the clock ticks closer and closer to midnight, I can feel myself getting irked. I realize that while I am able to function off 5 hours of sleep – I don’t find it preferable. That wasn’t my initial thought at 11:31 – and it’s not a nightly irk – If it was, I would have to assume I wouldn’t continue this vicious cycle on a nightly basis.
12:00am. It’s the next day. Regardless how many hours of sleep I will get to soak up tonight – Tomorrow came. It was out of my control. I reach over, turn my light off & drift to sleep. While I don’t know what today holds, yesterday is gone.