Summer [Pros & Cons]

I was mildly roasting in my hooded sweatshirt last weekend & for us living in a state that’s ridiculously cold most of the year…that’s considered summer [at 66 degrees]. Like many other things, places & people… Summer & I have a complicated, love/hate relationship.

It’s not technically summer yetbut I’m getting prepared.

PROS

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CASUAL DRESSES  

They’re not shorts that crawl up with every step. If you’re one of the lucky gals who have no idea what it’s like to have a thigh gap, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Fact: There is no casual, classy or sexy way to pull your underwear outta there.

FLOWING TANK TOPS

Relax, Breathe…stop sucking it in.

Don’t worry about the fat roll that’s chillin’ comfortably under the airy top. When you’re out in public, and you want to take a seat – no need to adjust your pants before you make any sudden movements – the flowy top has your back.

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NOT FREEZING OUR ASSES OFF

Obviously on the list of Pros- freezing your ass off sucks…the most.

I’d rather feel sweat drip from undesirable areas than hunch over, shivering so I don’t die…………. from freezing my ass off. 

0% CHANCE OF SNOW [hopefully]

snow car

The snow is not the actual problem. Snow is beautiful.

It’s driving in the snow, driving with other people in the snow, shoveling the snow, trying to get the snow off your vehicle so you can drive in the snow, having soggy socks because of the snow…………………………

WE WILL NOT GO BROKE HEATING OUR HOUSE

Not heating the house isn’t an option; it’s also not cheap. It’s obnoxious that we have to drive to work – freezing our booties off all the way…while we pay to heat our house – that we’d so much rather be in.

It’s a vicious cycle, really.

GROWING YOUR OWN FOOD & STICKING IT TO THE MAN

I’m currently in the process of growing food & it’s so much easier than you probably make it up to be in your head. If you have the space, there are no excuses – get some veggies going; #uck the grocery store. 

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“GO PLAY OUTSIDE”

The number of times parents get to say this goes up drastically.

In the winter you need to assess the safety factor before sending your kid out in the cold & you justify letting them sit inside in front of the television. In the summertime, kids should be outside while parents enjoy peace & quiet…in the house.

FOURTH OF JULY

america

Who doesn’t love it?

Woooo, America! 

…When I get all patriotic, what I’m actually saying is: Give me a hot dog & some potato salad because we all know that’s what birthday parties are all about.

GOODBYE PASTY SKIN 

It’s embarrassing. For people who don’t bake themselves for color

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Summertime is a time for redemption.

You wouldn’t believe how nice of a tan my pale, gross skin will get

…eventually…

OUTDOOR FARMERS MARKET’S ARE BETTER THAN INDOOR

They’re both great – I’m all for supporting local farmers & my community as often as I can… but gathering produce outside in the sunshine is 492x better than meandering in a maze of a city center. 

CONS

CROCS

crocs

It doesn’t matter the color, brand, how comfortable they are, if they’re fur-lined, have minimal holes or extra large holes – they will always be a con. ALWAYS.

86% OF PEOPLE’S ATTIRE IN WALMART

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Walmart is a gathering place for people who don’t give a #uck. Bring the hot weather into play and you have a whole-lotta spaghetti traps & short shorts……all where they don’t belong. 

GIRLS IN BIKINIS WHO THINK THEIR MASSIVE BOOBS ARE DISTRACTING EVERYONE FROM THEIR GUT

This is not body-shaming…this is a favor to all involved.

Just because your boobs are massive…doesn’t mean you should wear a bikini. Anyone who is offended by that: have you ever shuttered at a guy in a Speedo?

speedo

Male or Female: there are lots of styles out there for your shape – utilize them.

FEELING BAD FOR THE POOR GUY AT THE POOL WHO IS WEARING A SHIRT WHILE SWIMMING

I feel more sympathetic towards a guy who is self conscious of his body than I do girls. I apologize, I have no logical explanation regarding why other than I’m a girl – with some bitchy qualities, typically towards other females.

HUMIDITY = TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE,& NO GOOD

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Everyone can relate to opening a door and getting slapped in the face with hot, sticky air that fills your lungs and then releases through your hair.

In the meantime – if you need to get anywhere you’ll need to swim through the muggy air. Humidity is the worst thing about summer.

THE DAY YOU FORGET TO WEAR DEODORANT

We’ve all done it. You catch a whiff & you’re immediately mad at whoever stinks

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………………and then you realize it’s you.

Hopefully, you’re in a position where you can fix the problem – but sometimes that’s not the case & you pray everyone stays away from you. Embarrassing.

THE NEED TO SHAVE ON A REGULAR BASIS

Guys, you have no idea; it’s a commitment. A time consuming, necessary evil. There is no getting around having hairy legs & arm pits when its 70+ degrees outside.

WE WILL GO BROKE TRYING TO KEEP THE HOUSE COOL

While it’s a con, and it sucks…it’s not nearly as necessary as the heat in the winter. There is nothing like walking into a cool house on a hot, humid day though & that’s worth something.

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STICKING TO LEATHER FURNITURE

Why does anyone have leather furniture? Is it a status thing? I will never understand. Whether it’s in a vehicle, or in a living room the feeling of your thigh unpeeling itself from leather is not pleasant. I don’t like it & I’ve never met anyone who does. 

THE GUILT OF A NICE DAY, WHEN ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS SIT AROUND IN PAJAMAS

Being a home-body in the summer time can have some major downsides. Sometimes, all you want to do is sit in the house & watch Netflix; even if it’s 73 degrees, sunny with a light breeze.

It’s almost impossible to feel okay sitting in a dark living room with the sun mocking you through the curtains.

HEY LAZY ASS. JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOUR FAT NEIGHBOR IS OUTSIDE ENJOYING THE DAY.

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