Women do this all the time, on the regular – some even do it repetitively. Brewing a human inside our bodies and having the ability to keep it alive with our boobs is pretty intense.
Labor is pretty intense though, too.
A week past my due date, slapping-strangers-when-they-found-it-appropriate-to-tell-me-just-how-uncomfortable-I-look, I walked into the hospital to be induced. Naturally, the thought of having this overcooked being outside of my body was super exciting and when the nurse administering the baby-eviction medicine told me with a smile that I would have a baby by noon, I naively believed her.
She asked me if I wanted a mirror brought in… so I could watch my baby enter the world.
I think my facial expression concerned the nurse. Perhaps to some it could be a beautiful process but: No, thank you. I would rather not watch. Looking back, that would have been an appropriate answer to her question. Instead, speaking straight from my heart, I asked her if she was f****** crazy and proceeded to stare as if I asked a legit question.
36 hours later, my Bennett was born.
They say you forget about all the pain and awfulness that comes along with child birth after feeling the love for your baby – I certainly felt the love but the memory of the progression is vivid. Whoever they are probably never went through 2,160 minutes of labor.
I never pretend to be the tough girl and I don’t handle physical pain without cussing someone out, so the idea of giving birth without drugs was laughable. Hell, I was begging for them before I was even contracting out of pure fear. Little did I know that the process of getting an epidural is more terrifying than the fear of the actual pain itself.
The plan was to have the long needle stuck directly into my spine and I would feel relief, but first things first: we need to get that needle into my spine. The nurse tells me to sit up and lean forward as far as I can. Sure, it’s necessary but asking an overdue pregnant woman to lean forward is cruel. I did what I was told and then I felt it. Letting out an overzealous yelp, instantly I was in tears.
This is the cotton – I am cleaning the injection site.
So many new moms have lovely tales about the very first moment they laid eyes on their new little offspring.
Me? Not so much.
After 35 hours of labor it was decided that clearly this little person was not going to make the journey into the world willingly so I ended up accomplishing the task via c-section. There I am strapped down to a table (literally, my arms tied down) – I hear him start to cry and the doc says, “Look to your left!” I turn my head and they put his small slimy face right up next to mine.
Now, before I tell you what I said – please keep in mind that I was slightly drugged and had been in labor for 36 hours…
His nose is SO big.
That’s what I said. I’m not proud of it but it seemed right at the time. Thankfully, they let me take him home and we have been hanging out ever since.