V is for Victim of Pants

My relationship with pants is a tricky one.

There is only one type of leg wear that I have nothing negative to say about, my Hello Kitty footie pajamas. They do not pinch my waist, giving me love handles. They do not cinch around my ankles, making me want to rip my feet off [yeah, I know…that’s not normal] and they keep my feet warm, no shoes required.

But…holey jeans

Enough about the leg wear that doesn’t annoy me, I’m a victim and I’m here to bitch.

Causal Friday used to mean something. I just don’t get excited to throw on a pair of jeans anymore. The ones that I would consider comfortable – are not appropriate for work. They’re flooded with holes that I may, or may not have purchased with that scream, “I think I’m trendy”.

… When in reality, I could care less and I’m just cheap. [I didn’t buy them with those holes].

“Oh, just get some jeans that have that stretch material!”

I seriously don't blame them.
I seriously don’t blame them.

Stretch Jeans: No, not pajama jeans, I’ve never tried them but have considered it – ya know, stretch jeans? The ones that fit for about an hour and 16 minutes. After that time expires, my thickness stretches out the stretch. Ridiculously unflattering and uncomfortable; unflattering, I can deal with but I’m sure you see a trend regarding my comfy-standards.

I’m beginning to get concerned that my age is creeping up there and eventually I’ll start buying ‘mom-jeans’ without even thinking about it. Does that happen?

Skinny Jeans? I have one pair – they’re stretch material.

I know, it goes against everything I’ve already said but they might be my favorite pair strictly because I don’t need to find a shoe that lays right with them. Additionally, skinny jeans have the perk of an over-sized top pairing well with them. If I can enjoy a night out with my gut out, I’m winning. As a lady, I’m constantly jealous that men get to wear baggy clothes & still be considered put together. I want that and I can have it when I wear my skinny jeans.   I’m also positive they’re not mom jeans.


Dress pants? What size heel is appropriate for the length of the pants? Why do all my dress pants seem get shorter over time?

Yoga Pants? Yes please. I keep a pair of yoga pants sitting on the back of my couch…waiting for my return home so that I can swoop the current pants off and throw on my as-big-as-they-need-to-be-and-don’t-judge-me pants. I am not a victim to Yoga pants, it might actually be the other way around.

Shorts? Wanna talk about those? Sure, I didn’t wear shorts ever until about 2 or 3 years ago.

Anyone: It’s 90 degrees outside…why are you wearing pants?

Me: I don’t wear shorts…

Which actually meant:

  • I think I’m too fat.
  • My legs will blind you.
  • I have bubbly-bits that I don’t wish to share with the world today.
  • I’d rather sweat my ass off than have chafed thighs.

The worrisome thing about that, again, is the whole mom-jeans thing. I’m sorry to keep
bringing them up but in 2 or 3 years, will I have a change of heart? Will the I-don’t-care-what-anyone-thinks-of-me attitude force me into mom jeans, even if it’s unplanned? I didn’t plan on wearing shorts a few years back, it just happened.

giphy (1).gif
I’m so scared.


I hate you.

Love, Jen

4 thoughts on “V is for Victim of Pants

  1. Also, the shoe’s heels with pants all depends on the occasion – or so my younger sister says. She has regular one or so inch heels for work (teacher) and those 6 inch for bar hopping.


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