Nails, Meth, and Mariujuana Gummy Bears, Oh My!

I don’t get it, who puts nails in Halloween candy? What meth-head is frantically looking for their baggie? Where can I find some of these marijuana gummy bears the police keep yapping about? Not all my questions can be answered, but there seem to be a few different reasons and intentions for the who, what, why, and hows of all this madness.

First, the nails, because it’s clearly the most malicious.

Who: Psychopaths. 

What: Nails inserted into three Kit-Kat bars.

Why: Because they’re fucking twisted human beings who want to cause harm to other human beings, specifically children.

How: I’m stumped, was the wrapper opened, or did this person or people poke the nail through the wrapper and into the Kit-Kat? I don’t know. I don’t even want to know.

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Next, the meth.

Who: A meth-head who is probably, still, super pissed off.

What: A little baggie of crystalized methamphetamine.

Why: Because sometimes, when people are high on drugs, accidents happen.

How: *Knock, Knock, Knock* 

Oh, hey kids, here ya go…

*Five Minutes Later*


Last, the marijuana gummy bears… 

Who: No one.

What: Nothing, because not a single person who enjoys edibles is just giving them away to children.

Why: Because, fake news.

How: Not important, because it’d never happen.

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Just so we’re clear, you should absolutely still eat an insane amount of check your kid’s Halloween candy… quality control is important, too.


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