7 Reasons I Do Not Shop On Black Friday

I don’t judge anyone who wants  to battle for parking spots at 4am or stand in line for the out-of-this-world deals but it’s certainly not my gig. I used to think it had something to do with my ridiculous procrastination bug I suffer from, but there’s more to it than that.

[1] I’m still in a food coma.

Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, a helluva lot of pie, a few veggies… all of that is still very present and has left me with the day-after-thanksgiving-day-bloat. I don’t think there’s anything in my closet that will fit me today, even my yoga pants are questioning my decisions from yesterday.

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[2] I can’t handle the amount of less-than-desirable humans who are out.

Masses of people with varying degrees of cleanliness, friendliness and common sense. Sure, a lot of shoppers are showered, nice and know that it’s frowned upon to shimmy their way in front of you without an invitation – it’s the other ones that keep me home on Black Friday.

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[3] I’m a homebody.

Movies, my laptop, left over pie for breakfast and lunch, hot coffee at my disposal? Yes, please.

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Me, if I looked like Blake Lively. via/ wifflegif.com

[4] Why put yourself out there when you can shop online?

Even if I wanted the door buster deals, I’m not patient enough to stand in a line that exceeds 5-6 people ahead of me, ever, let alone the day after I just gorged myself with food and beverages.

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[5] Impulse shopping is bad news bears.

Black Friday isn’t even a thing anymore, the deals start a week before and go on through Christmas… Black Friday is simply a way to get you in the door. Walmart is giving you that mixer for $2.99 with the hopes you’ll also buy that TV for $699.00. Marking and sales 101, folks. Being an impulsive person, I’d overspend like a madman.

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[6] It seems kinda dangerous.

I am confident chances of my face getting clawed or falling down and being trampled while I am switching my laundry or laying on my couch is small. Additionally, I do not enjoy feeling like I am losing my mind. I can be a dramatic person, especially early in the morning, especially when I’m surrounded by strangers who might smell, or take my personal space for their own use. So, not only could this be dangerous my by own well-being, but for anyone around me when I reach my breaking point.

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[7] I’m not a very urgent person.

I move to the beat of my own drum. I don’t like being rushed, pushed or forced to be quick so I can get what I came to the store for. I’m that person who calls to make sure the item I want is in stock on an average day, so my time is not wasted. I’m not waking my ass up early, or not going to bed so I can maybe get the item I’m hoping for. Fingers crossed! No, thank you.

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12 Things That Happen After 30

[1] Anyone: “How old are you?”

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[2] You realize you’ve accomplished approximately 1/8 of the list you started 10 years ago…of the things you’d do before 30.

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[3] Secretly you hope 20-somethings at the bar either a.) think you’re 28 or b.) think you’re the most badass 30-something they’ve ever met.

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[4] Plans are made roughly three hours earlier than in your younger days.

 Well, ideally I’d like to be in my pajamas on the couch by 9:30 – so, dinner at 6:30?

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[5] You become much more accepting of your flaws, maybe because you’ve reached the perfect level of don’t-give-a-shits or, maybe you’re lucky and embrace them. Either way, this is a win for us 30-somethings.

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[6] You take care of your body, before it’s sick. No. Not like working out… 

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[7] A night of excessive cocktails is rarely rewarded with chipper mornings and brunch. 

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[8] Friends start pointing out stray grey hairs that you’ve been wondering exist for the last 5 years.

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[9] Your social media has become a plethora of pets and babies… and you like it.

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[10] Your body has chosen its desired shape and weight, if you would like something different – good luck.

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[11] The excitement level for a new lawn mower <insert any major appliance here> exceeds levels you didn’t know were possible in your 20s.

 

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[12] You read and contribute reviews. Restaurants, mattresses, curtains, daycares, cars, pens, tables, music, hotels, dogs, movies… anything.

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…Cheers to your 30’s.

15 Waitress Realities

We know what tables want us to be invisible and who would rather we play stand up comedian, but we’re human and have feelings that go beyond the food we’re bringing you.

[1] Like when that guy comes in…

K this made my day that much better 😂 #waitressproblems #servinglife #tiplife💸💰

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[2] “OMG – Look what table 30 left me!”

Sincere generosity makes up for the creeps…

[3] But you’re not getting paid to be honest…

Body feel like an 80 year old woman but the bag right so I'll live😩😩💰💰 #waitressproblems

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[4] By the time you clock out – there’s no hiding it anyway…

#waitressproblems

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[5] Freudian slips…

[6] Brutal (or enjoyable – depends)…

[7] You are my people and I love you…

[8] Just another Friday night…

[9] If we had the freedom to speak our minds…

[10] No really though, please go home.

lmao #serverproblems #serverlife @hotschedules

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[11] The girl you’re with might not have noticed, but Jesus knows…

[12] Dining Room VS. Kitchen

[13] This requires a lot of socializing with people I don’t really like…

#server #serverlife #rebelcircus #truth #work

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[14] Thank you for your patience! Can I get you something to drr…oh, okay – you’re ready to order? Good! Great.

Friday night feelz. #ServerLife

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[15] Like it or not, you’re a part of a super dysfunctional family.

#serverlife #lol

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But we all love it.

Election Humor: Because We Need It

So, I’ve been pretty serious lately  with the political posts – from Donald to Hillary I’ve managed to make Properly Ridiculous about the election, once again, after said I was going to stop. I might have even promised.

I apologize.

To show you my obsession with politics is still in full swing good faith that this whole thing will be over soon I’ve complied a bunch of things for you to laugh at.

Enjoy.

Donald Trump cannot stop sniffling. I think he’s probably tried to stop snorting coke but it’s impossible at this point.

#debate2016 #grabapussy #election2016 #ihatetrump #nevertrump

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Yum.

Make the kitchen smell like bacon again 🇺🇸👃🏻#SoundOn @theladbible

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Oh, Bill. I cannot begin to imagine his excitement.

If anyone was wondering how I felt when my main man, Bernie Sanders was no longer in the race.

I'm freaking crying 😂

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Additionally…

The last debate provided the American people with a new hero. Congratulations, Mr.  Ken Bone… you made it. #BoneAppleTea

#kenbone2016 #kenbone #redsweater #red #sweater

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Slightly obsessed with Ken Bone memes right now😀 #turninghimintoacookie #kenbone

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Can we make this happen before November 28th?

The kids are out of control.

When all is said and done, we will still have everyone’s food to look at on Facebook.

#election2016 #president #social #fun #empowersocial #joinme #porkchops #style #dogs

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Less than a month, folks. Hang in there – you’re doing great.

Seriously, STFU: Ellen is Racist

I was pretty quick to click on the link painting Ellen DeGeneres as a racist. Ellen?

Um, what kind of cry baby world are we living in?  She’s implying that he’s super fucking fast. I, too, would love to be able to get shit done at that speed, it’s quite impressive.

Let me remind you, we’re talking about Ellen here. If Seth Rogen ran that race, posed for a smiling picture at 3,246mph – she’d post a picture of herself riding him too.

See what I did there?

I hope she’s not outraged, I mean, that could imply that she likes men… if you want to get nasty with it.

She’s a comedian, telling jokes in an easily offended world – not a racist.

Seriously, STFU.