Go Pack Go

I know, I know. I’ve draped myself in purple and walked the streets of Green Bay without hesitation claiming my fanship of the Minnesota Vikings and I’ve never waivered – until now.

The 2016 football season started so optimistic, I thought they’d really gotten their shit together and we’d go riding into (at the very least) the playoffs – and we’d have so much fun!

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Now it’s like this, I’m the Viking’s girlfriend and I’m going to cheat on them with their nasty cousin, the Packers.

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Actually not at all nasty…

Because I’m bitter. 

I’ve been making quite the effort to make it work this season and instead of following through with what they said they’d do, I ended up broken hearted again. The Packers can give me something the Vikings can’t.

Perhaps it’s not the right thing to do and judge me if you will, for the first time in the eight years I’ve resided in Wisconsin I’ll be actively cheering  for the Packers with my friends. I won’t be sitting with my arms crossed, watching everyone else have a good time.

Sorry, not sorry.

When training camp rolls around this summer the Vikings and I can sit down and see where things are.

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it, but seriously…things need to change if we’re going to work out.

And in this hypothetical conversation we’d discuss what drove me into the arms of the Packers. I’d say something super cliché (but 100% true) like, I never thought we’d end up like this. Tears will be shed and we’ll end up together again because I can’t stay away.

Call me a bandwagon jumper if you’d like, I just wanna have some fun for once.

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Go Pack Go.

J is for Jared Allen

Sundays, on weekend visits with my dad I loved dozing off on the couch in the basement while he passionately watched the Vikings; there is still something nostalgic about falling asleep with NFL commentators giving their two cents in the background.

After I’d graduated high school, I stopped falling asleep and started paying attention. This new guy signed with the Vikings in 2008, sparking my interest more than the rest of the guys with tight pants and nice behinds – but(t) it had nothing to do with the attire or his derriere.

Maybe it was the mullet – after all, Billy Ray Cyrus was my first love.

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There is something about watching defense players; manly men busting through an offensive line – slamming into the opposing teams quarterback? I love that shit and Jared Allen was good at it.

Before I asked many questions I assumed the wrangling of cattle move he would do after a sack was something very different – yet I enjoyed watching him pretend to be a jack-in-the-box. It made sense to me; those things can be scary. The quarterback has no idea when it’s going to happen and then, BAM!

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Jared Allen – all up in your shit – just like a jack-in-the-box.

He may be solely responsible for my fondness of the game. When I realized Jared Allen was the love of my football life is when my admiration for the game itself all fell together. Now…643 tackles, 136 quarterback sacks, 57 pass deflections, 6 interceptions,  31 forced fumbles and 4 safeties later – we say goodbye to Jared Allen on the football field.

Thankfully, I have experience with saying goodbye to this man – when he left me for the Bears I almost took it personally. He was supposed to go to the Seahawks – that was what I had planned and prepared for. When I heard the bad-news-bears I knew I’d have to say goodbye. How were we supposed to keep our Sundays together when he left me for something so ugly?  The Bears?! It’s just not in me to cheer for a Chicago Bear… ever.

We had to break up. 

I kept his wild-game cookbook I’d gotten for Christmas one year [with zero intentions of ever utilizing any of the recipes] displayed in my living room bookshelf, like a memorial; a reminder of the good times. Like any scorned ex, I was glad he didn’t excel in his new relationship. When that [dumb-never-should-have-happend] relationship ended? I  enthusiastically gave out high-fives, smiles and hugs.

Jared Allen announced his retirement back in February and I had an idea he’d come back to me – and he did.

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This was us – when we were happy.

Retired in purple, together again.


A to Z Challenge: Day Ten

An Open Letter To Stupid Viking Fans

Dear You,

You know who you are. You’re the one booing the second an interception is thrown or whenever the Vikings just don’t quite meet your expectations. I’ve been wanting to write this for quite some time; last Sunday we played the Packers and many of you showed your faces giving me the ammo I was waiting for. Our Vikes, being on a winning streak and all – I’m sure you expected them to do more than they did, right?

Twenty minutes south of Green Bay I watched the game from my house and could clearly hear roars of ‘GO-PACK-GO’ throughout the entire fourth quarter …because all of you stupid fans left. 

Did you not want to face the Packer fans? Can’t handle a little grief? Were you just that disgusted that you couldn’t bear to watch another second? Trying to beat the traffic? …All stupid reasons. I don’t give a flying shit what the score is with 8 minutes remaining in the fourth quarter… why are you leaving?!

Friendly Tip: Just don’t go. Save yourself the misery and fake fandom.

Listen, I’m not unreasonable. I also don’t enjoy being a Vikings fan 100% of the time, it’s not always fun. Hell, let’s be real, watching them kick ass in the first half only to be a completely different team when they come back from halftime sucks. I get it. Do you know what I hate more than even that, though?

Being associated with you stupid fans.

I live in Wisconsin – if there is one other Viking fan that’s in the general vicinity – we’re lumped together and I don’t appreciate it. The Vikings have the worst fans in the NFL (that could be an exaggeration… I didn’t look it up) and 79% of you only support them when they’re winning (another made up statistic).

We lost against the Packers… what about before that? The Vikings won five games in a row for the first time since 2009. We’re still playoff contenders. Our team is a talented group of guys with crazy potential and the coaching is finally where it needs to be. We play our biggest rival to defend the North Division and you let a bunch of Packer fans take over in your house. That’s gross.

While I think the Vikings deserve that new stadium… you stupid Viking fans do not. Maybe with the extra bells and whistles you’ll enjoy your time more. Meanwhile, I’m going to start drafting a letter to whoever is in charge over there – maybe they can work on some technology that can drown out your fairweather, wishy-washy-boos so the team… that you’re there to support don’t get distracted…by their fans. 

You’re dumb.

-A Non-Stupid Viking’s Fan.

SKOL.

 

Roger Goodell Logic

tom brady tweet4 games is a steeper penalty than what was originally handed down to Ray Rice, from the NFL Commissioner.

ICYMI: Rice knocked his [now] wife unconscious in an elevator.

How do those meetings go, that determine suitable disciplinary action? I picture a large oval mahogany table, leather chairs… 10-15 super important rich guys shootin’ the shit, eating expensive snacks.

As my imagination starts getting extra creative… I picture them all cackling, their old-rich-pretentious cackles when they start getting down to business. 

Roger Goodell Laughing Humor
[via: sportressofblogitude.com]
The punishments over the last few seasons for NFL players are ridiculously wide-ranged, no rhyme or reason. What we’ve learned from this whole Deflate Gate scandal, is that the worse offense of all, isn’t raping or beating women.

…It’s not cooperating with the big guys upstairs […not Jesus]. 

Detroit Lions defensive tackle, Ndamukong Suh stomped on Green Bay Packer’s quarterback, Aaron Rogers ankle and ended up having his one game suspension reduced to a fine.

The Atlanta Falcons were streaming in fake crowd noise during home games – ultimately trying to gain an advantage over their opponent & were handed down a punishment of the loss of a fifth-round draft pick in 2016, and the team was fined $350,000.

Are you telling me Roger Goodell, that Matt Ryan had no knowledge of this? Not even possibly?

The Minnesota Viking’s were caught heating up game footballs during a cold game in November last year… They received a warning.

[Roger Goodell Is A Shit-Eating Moron]

I’m not a Patriots fan, and I have never cheered for Tom Brady… but, Roger Goodell is lower on the totem pole.

In my own [and Yahoo!’s] perfect world…

Tom Brady would retire to punish Roger Goodell & the NFL.

More Importantly: Why was Dez Bryant at Walmart?

I guess Dez Bryant did something 5 times worse than Ray Rice…and it was also captured on video.

[Schefter confirms rumor of Dez Bryant video]

What are the odds, really? Whatever it was, it supposedly happened at Walmart. What is 5 times worse? Whose opinion is that? I am going to chalk it up to a generalized statement that can be summed up with:

He did something pretty #ucking bad

And that is where I will leave it, until I see it.

I am more concerned with why Dez Bryant was at Walmart, if I’m being honest. Doesn’t he have people who can go to Walmart for him, if that’s where he chooses to purchase goods? I understand their great prices, but I’m not rich & I still prefer Target.

There is an entire website dedicated to people who shop at Walmart. These are the things that happen at Walmart:

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THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN AT TARGET.

Also….

You cannot get a Venti Medium Roast Coffee while strolling through Walmart & if you could, it would probably get knocked outta your hand by someone that’s not paying attention.

I just don’t get it. Why would anyone… especially someone with a plethora of money choose to spend their time in that dimly lit, over congested….

I’ll just stop there.