Operation MILF by Fall [Update #2]

So I know in the first update I said I was going to post and discuss the triumphs and tribulations of Operation MILF by Fall every Monday, but the thing is, I’m just an habitually late person. So it’s now Friday and here we are. I’ll probably give some false deadline for every upcoming post, take it or leave it, the chances I’ll ever grow out of that are fairly slim.

I actually went Sunday to Sunday last week with zero adult beverages. That’s a big deal, maybe it shouldn’t be, but it is and I lost 4 fucking pounds. So, I mean, that’s motivation. I tracked all week, was real concious of my intake VS outtake of calories so I’m sure the four pounds lost wasn’t just the lack of booze, regardless, it’s pretty substantial.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve tracked every day again, stayed under my calorie/fat/carbs/sugar goals, but to say that I’ve made the best choices would be a bold faced lie.

This was Tuesday. Don’t judge me.

But, I am remaining confident in my progress. I just want to be feeling real good about myself by October. I’m going to be 34. 34. THIRTY FOUR. Damn. Legal drinking age at this point consists of kids people born in 1997. In 1997 I was in the sixth grade, getting in-school suspension for skipping recess. How does one skip recess? It was a stairwell thing.

But that’s a story for a different day.

Next week I’m going to weigh in on Monday, which keeps me accountable over the weekend, and I’m going to take my measurements. If I continue to only look at the number on the scale my, slow-metabolism-over-thirty-year-old self will end up real frustrated . Plateaus and shit. I need multiple reassurances that my efforts to curb my crazy cheesecake cravings are worth it.

For now, I’m just keeping one goal in mind, and that is to keep the fried haddock outta my mouth at work tonight.

Fuck. My. Life.

If you’ve never experienced a good ol’ Wisconsin fish fry you might not understand this struggle, but trust me, it’s real.


Operation MILF by Fall [Update #1]

Last week I made some healthy choices, and I made some unhealthy choices.

The fear of running outside where people can witness it was conquered, and my bike got used for the first time this summer.

All of it was a bit overshadowed with the abundance of liquid calories I consumed…


…And eating half of a cherry pie in one sitting (after I tracked a quarter of it). Even still, I managed to lose 1.2 pounds last week. It’s nothing to get super stoked about, but it’s a move in the right direction, so I’m not going to be too hard on myself. No more cherry pie though.

The goal for next Monday’s weigh in will be down two pounds. For this to actually come to fruition the alcohol has to stay in the cabinet and my sugar intake has to be limited. I already tracked my dinner for the entire week which will consist of a loaded up spinach salad, 2% cottage cheese, and balsamic vinegar & oil. Every. Single. Night.

Why am I sharing all this? Because I need to be held accountable, and I can’t in good conscience eat another half of a pie after I just told all my friends and a couple hundred strangers that I’m getting my shit together.


I’ll talk about it every Monday. I’ll be honest when I can’t control myself, and I’ll toot my horn when I succeed.


Operation MILF by Fall

Two times in my life I purchased (important) dresses too small, for motivation sake, which I would never relay that advice to anyone I even remotely have a liking for. If you’ve never zipped your wedding dress up for the first time during the final fitting, you don’t know what true relief feels like.

I was a size 12 when my mom took me wedding dress shopping. The first dress was the one I ended up walking down the aisle in, even after trying on about a dozen more afterwards I didn’t want to feel like I was going to prom, and it was the only one that made me feel like a bride. So we ordered it in a size 8, and then went to Chipotle to eat 8 pound burritos to celebrate.

I bought a treadmill two months later.

I started exercising every day, tracking my food, and weight came off. Not quick enough for the first and second fittings, but there was progress. Having it taken out was not an option, and there was no plan B dress, so Taco Bell just wasn’t an option anymore. Skipping a run meant smashing myself into my wedding dress.

I ran my ass off, literally, and it fit so I celebrated with my favorite kinda cookie the second it was zipped up.


After the wedding I gained some, if not most of the weight I’d lost back, because fuck running and not drinking when there’s not a dress to motivate me anymore.

A couple years later I was asked to be in my best friend’s wedding, and I mean, of course I ordered the dress too small. Why wouldn’t I? I’m a pro. Only this time I was a bit more realistic and ordered a size 10, and since I only had to go down one size this time the procrastination game was strong.

Eventually, I did end up losing weight the same way I did before, exercising every day and choosing chicken and broccoli over pizza, and with the help of some spanx and a few friends to zip ‘er up it fit.

But I did rip it at the reception.

It was clearly less successful, but I’m always amazed at the results I get from simply not shoving my face with whatever I want, and moving around a bit more. So, here I am today, thirty pounds heavier than I was last summer. I know this because one of those God damned Facebook memories popped up and told me that last summer I weighed less than I what I wrote on my driver’s license, which is how I measure true success.

This time I have no dress I need to fit into, but plenty that would fit again if I can get my shit together. I’m three days into tracking my food, and maybe this week I’ll even go for a run outside, in public, where people can see me. I don’t need to be a size 8, I just want to feel confident in my own skin again.

Maybe I’ll call it, Operation MILF by Fall. If anyone wants to hold me accountable, or be a part of this operation, you just let me know. We can start a club.



Please Stop

Please stop littering, complaining about stupid shit you have no control over, talking to people as if they’re less important than you, merging into traffic like an asshole, wearing less than age-appropriate clothing, allowing your children to do whatever the fuck they want in public places, texting/game playing/selfie taking/not paying attention while operating your vehicle, and talking on the phone while using a public bathroom… it’s weird. 

Not to get all hoity toity, but a few more…

Please stop throwing your cigarette butts all over the place, clogging the middle of the grocery store aisle to have a conversation with that person you didn’t want to run into in the first place, fishing for compliments, and talking on the phone while checking out at a register… it’s rude.

Oh my God, I can’t stop…

Please stop letting your dog crap all over people’s yards without picking it up, getting all up in arms over differing opinions, calling protesters unpatriotic – that’s an oxymoron, telling your bartender and/or server that you’re ready only to stare at the menu for another five minutes, interrupting people, being overly persistent when someone says no, saying all lives matter, and getting onto an elevator before allowing the others to get off… there are rules.


Last one, I promise…

Please stop using the express lane with your cart full of shit, ignoring the cart corrals and leaving your shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot, driving the exact same speed as the car next to you, not saying thank you when someone holds the door for you, believing that personal hygiene is a choice, asking your neighbors for their wi-fi password, chewing with your mouth open, spoiling the ending of a movie or TV show, using offensive and/or derogatory terms for other people, pretending to listen, and asking your server for the winning lottery numbers…it’s not funny anymore.


Nap Attack

I’m a napper. I haven’t always been, but God damn, I just love me some naps. I don’t even have to be tired, it’s still one of my favorite past times every single time I make the decision to lay my head down when the sun is still up.

No shame. 

It seems like naps get a bad reputation. Nappers are not lazy, we just find joy in closing our eyes and ignoring the world. Sure, I could read a book, work on some writing, or clean the house… but sleeping is so much more satisfying. Judge me if you will, but I try to nap at least once a day. I took a nap this morning. 

If you ever watch a movie with me, expect to tell me how it ended because sometimes I can’t even control my napping – it just happens. Most of the time, I don’t even feel refreshed when it’s over, but I never regret it.

Sleeping is something I’ve never struggled with, it’s never been an issue. Give me a concrete floor and a pillow and I’ll be snoozing in no time. My sympathies go out to people who have a hard time getting to dreamland, I can’t relate at all. What’s it like to try to fall asleep? Why can’t you just close your eyes and fucking relax?

I don’t know if it’s because my brain is always going a million miles a minute but I can take a quick 10 minute snoozer and have the most vivid dream. It’s like, Oh, I feel like going on an adventure – Imma nap. 

I urge all of you to embrace a good nap once in a while, or everyday, at least once a week. Make it a habit and list it as a hobby, most importantly don’t feel bad about it.