Current Struggle: I want to be skinny but I love calories.

It was 75 degrees and sunny in Wisconsin yesterday, which happened to be Cinco De Mayo, when I walked into my job that specializes in German fare. Given the lovely weather and the holiday that doesn’t make patrons want to go out for Weiner Schnitzel – I wasn’t anticipating a stressful night.

Usually slinging food until roughly 9:00pm, when I was on my home at 7:30 with the sun still shining it only seemed right to stop and buy myself a giant can of Bud Light Lemon-Ade-Rita. I should tell you though, before that purchase, I got the boys in my life some Oreo shakes from Burger King and congratulated myself on my spectacular self-control.

Three Oreo shakes, please…

You ran two miles today! Don’t let it be for nothing! You got this! 

Nevermind, make that two.

Gosh, I’m the best.

When all was said and done, I consumed 600 calories of Lemon-Ade-Rita instead.

Can’t win them all.

It worked for me – you can gain weight too!

My wedding anniversary is right around the corner again. I’m trying my best to face the reality that if I was brave enough to try my wedding dress on… just for fun…it would not be fun at all; not even a little bit. In fact, it would be dreadful, embarrassing and shameful. Since none of those describing words sound fun at all, I bit the bullet (instead of a candy bar) and signed up for a YMCA membership yesterday.

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Tell me how great I am.

I need to stop shoveling every delicious and fattening thing into my greedy mouth. Particularly: ice cream, taquitos, pizza and Taco Bell (…even more specifically, Chili Cheese Burritos & Cheesy Gordita Crunches). My knowledge and experience with weight fluctuation makes me an expert, so I wouldn’t feel right about hopping back onto my healthy train without giving some plausible advice first.

This is what worked for me – it can work for you also.

TEN WAYS TO GAIN EXCESS WEIGHT

1.)    Eat out as often as possible – you know you can’t make that burger taste as good at home.

burger

2.)    Marry a loving spouse that could really care less how bubbly and big your ass is getting.

3.)    DO NOT control your portions – this one will get ya. When you’re questioning if you need that extra scoop – trust me, you do.

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…Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom…

4.)    Extra Cheese, Please. (And Add Bacon)

5.)    Stop drinking water all together & enjoy some carbonated goodness.

6.)    Don’t Exercise. At all. The less movement the better.

7.)    Snack, or better yet – eat a 4th meal late at night, right before bed. It’s always easier to fall asleep with a full belly.

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Netflix, Chill & Eat

8.)    The best way to cure boredom is to eat. Go open that fridge and find something to do/eat. (Bonus: Same deal with stress – food makes you feel better.)

9.)    Work a job that keeps you in your chair. Again, the less movement – the better.

10.) When you feel full – you aren’t actually full. Fight through the fullness and eat the rest of that pleasingly excessive portion you put there. Follow it up with dessert.

So, there it is folks. If you have any questions or concerns, I’ll be over here…eating oatmeal and carrot sticks.

Happy Gaining.

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All GIFs via: Giphy.com

I Do Not Fear Mental Illness – I Fear Our Perception Of It

I sat in a park in Menasha, Wisconsin by the water with my 8 year old son last night. It was beautiful…and scary. It wasn’t like this before. I found myself looking over my shoulder every time I heard voices coming in our direction. I kept a judgmental eye on people who seemed to be moving in a way that didn’t seem normal.

The typical safety I feel by being surrounded by a baseball diamond full of players & other folks enjoying the weather… was gone. It does not matter how many people you’re surrounded by when there could be one individual in the crowd who is unstable and battling an inner struggle that you or I cannot comprehend.

mental illness quote michelle obama

[Police: 4 dead, including suspect, in Menasha shooting]

At 7:30pm on May 3rd, 2015 in a park in Menasha, Wisconsin four people werementalillness killed, including an 11 year old girl.  Grief struck me last night as I sat with my son; I felt sadness for a child that will never experience life & for her mother who survived. I looked at my son, put my arm around him & realized I cannot protect him from a mentally ill person with a gun. When a human being is overcome with a negative shadow, rarely is an offense they commit planned out. Randomly, they seem to take their aggressiveness and feelings out on innocent people who never see it coming.

Gun control, gun control, gun control… in America we all have an opinion. We read about it, we talk and debate about it – if we, as a nation, discussed mental illness the way we ranted about gun control… we might get somewhere. But, the focus remains on a belonging, rather than people.

MentalIllnessQuoteGlennClose

I’ve always been an overly-analytical person, trying to understand things by dissecting every aspect of a scenario, regardless how big or small. While watching people in the park last night, I started to wonder how the shooter’s family and friends are grieving the loss of him.

Were there red flags that now haunt them? Had he attempted to reach out for professional help, what steps would have been taken by doctors… medication?  I can’t help but get angry when mental-illness is downplayed or not taken seriously.  We’re failing not only a person who has something terribly wrong with them… but we’re failing the 11 year old girl whose life got cut short.

Sitting in a quiet park in Wisconsin with my son, should be anything but an anxiety-ridden experience. The pleasantry of the trees finally being filled with green leaves & the sounds of kids running around, without a care in the world have been replaced with an uneasy pit in my stomach.mental health quote glenn close1

Five Things To Keep In Mind For 2015

Call them New Years Resolutions if you’d like… I’d prefer not to.

I try to avoid setting myself up for that kind of failure; I’m too lazy busy to follow through with an actual “resolution”… [Sounds so serious.] With one day remaining of 2014, here are 5 things I’ll be keeping in mind for the upcoming year.

(Perhaps you’re also a bit behind on the New Year goals & kinda “busy” [or lazy]… feel free to call these your own.)

Do Not Board Any Airplanes

New Theory, Folks.
Something I learned in 2014 is that Airplanes are just not for me. I’ve never had a problem flying; the handful of times I’ve had the pleasure I even looked forward to it. 
Me, like the rest of you…enjoy the idea of flying & the idea of getting somewhere in a quick fashion.
No more. Nope.
I’ll take my road trip & not disappear – See ya in 3 days.

Things Aren’t So Bad

Ugly Mad Face

Sometimes I get a bit heated. Occasionally I slam doors. There are moments I’m not super proud of…I need to remember that things could always be worse.

Someone is in a way worse situation somewhere and they probably bitch way less. Losing my keys, Waking up late, Not having any coffee left… all obnoxious, but really aren’t worth getting all nutty over. That face happens.

I’m a pretty lucky person when all is said and done. I’m going to relax & remember that things aren’t so bad in 2015.

Never Shop At Kohls, Ever Again

How the conversation went…

They screwed me over this year. If anyone in the world of Corporate Kohls stumbles across my little corner of the World Wide Web here… I want you to know… You all suck – Pass the word in 2015. Please & Thank You.

I will never shop there again, and I’ll tell as many people as possible to avoid your crap store, with crap customer service & crap financial departments that don’t take phone calls…after they take a bunch of money out of someone’s bank account (unauthorized) .

[Disclaimer: A grudge will be held through 2015 at minimum. I might come back in 2016. …Maybe.]

Makeup Is Optional, Not Necessary 

I stopped wearing makeup for 3 months this year, consecutively. There are a few lovely things that are possible when you’re not wearing makeup…

  • You can rub your eyes…whenever you want.
  • You can sleep longer.
  • Cry it out… No crazy eyes for you.
  • You can shower longer.
  • You don’t have to wash your face at night (which…if I’m being honest – I don’t do that when I’m wearing makeup either…But, lots of you ladies do [& good for you…I’m lazy, remember?]
  • You won’t get any makeup on the collar of your shirt or cute winter hat.

By all means, wear your war-paint Ladies…just remember, you don’t have to.

If There’s A Problem, Fix It.

In the past [like, yesterday] I’ve suffered from something called, Procrastination Burden Disorder; PBD for short – self diagnosed. This disorder stops my brain from doing the logical thing when placed in a situation that’s less than desirable.

Rather than fix the problem…I’d actually rather sit and stew about it.

Not anymore… I am going to medicate myself with some meditation paired with a healthy dose of daily affirmations & cure myself in 2015 once and for all [fun fact: I’m a doctor & a spiritual healer].

Daily Affirmations

I am thankful for each day.

I will not eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

I embrace the unknown.

I am focused on today.

I will get my shit together.

Less stressing, more fixing… Because, I’m a badass.

Be at war with your vices
at peace with your neighbors
and let every new year find you a better man.
Benjamin Franklin 

October 17, 2014

The alarm started being obnoxious & the first thought I logically had as a thirty year old woman was…

Shit, I should have taken off work todaywho works on their birthday?

Thankfully, I had a little purple bag of motivation downstairs waiting for me to assist with the ass-out-of-bed operation. My dear friend had given me a birthday present the Friday before…because the bitch went to Florida without me…over my birthday.

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This same girl…packaged up a scheduled massage for October 18th in that purple bag, because she’s amazing – so I forgave her. I woke up to that good news & it was the beginning of a pretty superb day.

Today’s a good day to be Thirty.

Dirty Thirty; I like how that sounds.

My life begins at Thirty.

affirmation a day

Not to get all self-helpy or anything, but if you don’t pep talk yourself with affirmations – you should. Perhaps you think it’s cheesy, or bogus…

Let me get all mom on you quick: Have you tried it?

…At least look into it.

So anyway, since I didn’t take the day off – I ran into work at 7:58am. [This whole driving my kid to school in the morning is really cramping my ‘get-to-work-early’ goals. But… I’m not going to let that bother me.]

I walked into my office with 2 minutes to spare & got slapped in the face with this…

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This picture really doesn’t do it justice…it was well done. I even let out a little squeal…’cause I like surprises & I love confetti. (…And the fact that my office has a cleaning crew that comes on Friday nights.)

The same wonderful friend who decorated my office was also thoughtful enough to include a gift card to my favorite place in the whole wide world…… Taco Bell & [amazingly delicious] chocolate cupcakes.

I think she knows me pretty well or something.

As the day progressed, I kept busy with work tasks & continued my daily affirmations… by 10:00am I had surpassed the want phase & moved onto physically needing a cupcake.

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Try and tell me that doesn’t look like the most delicious thing in the entire world.

I’ve always…since a small child ripped the bottom of cupcakes off so the frosting can fit in my mouth… without me looking like a 1 year old with a smash-cake. Today was no exception. Another friend from work came into my office as I was shoving this delectable morsel into my mouth & gave me a birthday card…

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…Well, that’s fitting. 

If you’re wondering… Yep. It was everything I expected it to be. Happy Birthday To Me…

The only time all day that I really pondered the number thirty itself was when I was trying to figure out what point I decided ‘Thirty’ isn’t old anymore. I have younger co-workers who claim they “can’t believe” I’m thirty…is that a compliment? I’m surely not offended…but thirty is clearly still ‘old’ to them. At least I’m a cool thirty year old?

After I devoured that cupcake – I checked my email. I’m lucky enough to say that I have another friend, still.

She lives in Michigan and we crossed paths in the world of writing. She has become someone very near and dear to me & this lovely lady sent me a totally unexpected gift.

via: itsadoglickbabyworld.com
via: itsadoglickbabyworld.com

The greatest gift of life is friendship, and I have received it.

Hubert H. Humphrey

Towards the end of the day I thought I’d help out the cleaning crew and pile up the confetti. As soon as I had it all together I had this urge to throw it all over the floor; not to be a bitch…but because I’m so young at heart. [Bahaha]

(No, I didn’t actually do that – I put them in a zip lock bag)

via: openairbigbear.com
via: openairbigbear.com

After work, I walked through the door of my house & heard my kiddo say, “Is she home?!”

He trotted down the stairs with this confident grin that I love & handed me this treasure:

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First, I melted.

Then, I asked him where he heard that saying:

“I didn’t. I drew you a flower…because I always do & flowers bloom. It’s your day today. So, it’s your day to bloom.”

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He follows up that statement with his confident grin turning into a full blown:

Yeah-I-know-I’m-the-best’ smile.

This kid puts Hallmark to shame.

I’m not sure I’d have felt the same way about turning 30, if I didn’t have him reminding me daily how awesome life is. My little red head makes my world go ’round.

Now, I’m sure…you’re all wondering and anxious to hear what the man of my dreams got me for the big 3-0…

Close your eyes and open up your hands…  

As if this birthday couldn’t get any better:

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Some ladies may not appreciate such a gift… those ladies are no friends of mine. My favorite; I obviously love food. Between the Cupcakes, Taco Bell, Taquitos, Birthday Cake & Ice Cream…It’s safe to say I’m kickin’ 30 off to a good start.

I am surrounded by people near and far who really know how to make a girl enjoy her day – for that, I’m thankful.

Maybe I should get on the treadmill tomorrow…I hear your body starts doing weird things after 30. I’m going to go research that…while I eat a salad.