Nails, Meth, and Mariujuana Gummy Bears, Oh My!

I don’t get it, who puts nails in Halloween candy? What meth-head is frantically looking for their baggie? Where can I find some of these marijuana gummy bears the police keep yapping about? Not all my questions can be answered, but there seem to be a few different reasons and intentions for the who, what, why, and hows of all this madness.

First, the nails, because it’s clearly the most malicious.

Who: Psychopaths. 

What: Nails inserted into three Kit-Kat bars.

Why: Because they’re fucking twisted human beings who want to cause harm to other human beings, specifically children.

How: I’m stumped, was the wrapper opened, or did this person or people poke the nail through the wrapper and into the Kit-Kat? I don’t know. I don’t even want to know.

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Next, the meth.

Who: A meth-head who is probably, still, super pissed off.

What: A little baggie of crystalized methamphetamine.

Why: Because sometimes, when people are high on drugs, accidents happen.

How: *Knock, Knock, Knock* 

Oh, hey kids, here ya go…

*Five Minutes Later*

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Last, the marijuana gummy bears… 

Who: No one.

What: Nothing, because not a single person who enjoys edibles is just giving them away to children.

Why: Because, fake news.

How: Not important, because it’d never happen.

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Just so we’re clear, you should absolutely still eat an insane amount of check your kid’s Halloween candy… quality control is important, too.

PR Monday Memes: Halloween

October 31.

The one day of the year your kid puts some work in for the family, supplying the household with delicious treats to feast on after they go to bed. Even if you don’t have kids, eat as much candy as possible – it’s a free pass for like a week at least.


Costume: 8/10

Pun: 10/10

Real Life.

No, really though…” -Your Dog

#halloweenmemes

A post shared by Richard Jung (@the.ecker) on

What are you going to be for Halloween?

Hammy…

What’s that?

Ham. Just ham. 

😂😂😂 #prettymuch #lol #meme #memes #halloweencostume #halloweenmemes

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‘Scary’ is open to interpretation.

I don’t want to be that house, handing out Dum-Dum Suckers, so I guess I’ll spend the $1,329.00 for the good stuff…

Sorry kids, maybe next year. #diabetesisntcool #brusselsprouts #halloweenhumor #rent #adultingisntfun

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I love a good family tradition around the holidays.

Sometimes, Halloween is hard.

#meme #funnymemes #funny #igers #true #instagram #friends #lol #Halloween #halloweenmeme

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What a terrible day for humans with allergies. 

How to terrify an adult on #Halloween: 😆🎃😆

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Winning.

A post shared by baby meme zone (@babymemezone) on

And if anyone’s wondering what I’ll be up to this Halloween…

The only scary thing about Halloween is that rent is due the next day

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Happy Halloween, friends. 

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I’m not going to let that bother me.

There we were, my husband and I, both trying to get that ever-so-important final word in. I can’t even tell you what we were bickering about, but I’m positive that it was something dumb – bickering is always for something dumb. If it was of any importance, it certainly would have escalated into an actual argument and I’d know exactly what it was pertaining to…and why I was right and my husband was wrong.

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Yeah, okay…whatever you say.

Good.

Fine.

Seriously! I just tried to end this.

Whatever.

After all that, an exceptional statement came out of my mouth:

I’m not going to let that bother me.

Brandin just looked back at me and I watched a smirk grow on his face, and that was that.

Okay, okay…I admit, I fully intended for that statement to be snide; one more little jab. I was legit surprised when I realized I actually felt better, and not a VICTORY-IS-MINE sorta better, it was as if I had literally just chucked that bicker-fest out the window.

 

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See ya later, bye.

 

What was supposed to be a disparaging remark, turned into quite the opposite. Give it a whirl, and not only when squabbling. For instance:

  • Oh, the jerk in the fancy car just cut me off? I’m not going to let that bother me.
  • Interesting… You canceled plans with me because you have a headache – and you were just tagged on Facebook at Applebee’s? I’m not going to let that bother me.
  • My dog that was just outside for 20 minutes but still crapped on the floor. I’m not going to let that bother me.

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There is really something to this, I promise. I’m no head-doctor and I’m certainly not an expert in staying calm (ask my husband) but hearing those words, they’ve helped digest  situations and from there, there’s a choice. Is it worth the negative feelings? More often than not, I’d rather just stay in a good mood.

 

It worked for me, you can gain weight too!

A few months ago I dropped a good 20 pounds, and let me tell you, I was felling real good. I was beaming. I worked my booty off, literally, and people noticed.

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There’s this little, sometimes big, thing I like to do after an accomplishment and that’s eat. All that hard work down the shitter, those 20 (plus some) pounds were back in less than a month… because I guess that’s what happens after thirty.

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whatever…

I need to stop shoveling every delicious and fattening thing into my greedy mouth. Particularly: ice cream, taquitos, pizza and Taco Bell.

So, now that I’ve come back to that realization, it’s go-time again. My knowledge and experience with weight fluctuation basically makes me an expert, so I wouldn’t feel right about hopping back onto my healthy train without giving some plausible advice first.

This is what worked for me – it can work for you too.

TEN HABITS FOR WEIGHT GAIN:

1.)  Eat out as often as possible – you know you can’t make that burger taste as good at home.

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2.)  Marry a loving spouse that could really care less how bubbly and big your ass is getting.

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3.) DO NOT control your portions – this one will get ya. When you’re questioning if you need that extra scoop – trust me, you do. 

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4.) Extra Cheese, Please. (And Add Bacon)…

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5.) Stop drinking water all together and enjoy some carbonated goodness. Fuck water, you can get a Big Buddy from Kwik Trip for a buck!

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6.) Don’t Exercise. At all. The less movement the better.

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7.) Snack, or better yet – eat a 4th meal late at night, right before bed. It’s always easier to fall asleep with a full belly.

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8.) The best way to cure boredom is to eat. Go open that fridge and find something to do/eat. (Bonus: Same deal with stress – fried food makes everything better.)

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9.) Wine on Monday, Wine on Tuesday, Wine on Wednesday… Wine. Wine. Wine.

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10.) When you feel full – you aren’t actually full. Fight through the it and eat the rest of that pleasingly excessive portion you put there. …Um, and don’t you dare forget dessert.

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So, there it is folks. All you have to do is eat like shit and sit on your ass. If you have any questions or concerns, I’ll be over here…eating grilled chicken and broccoli until I drop the weight, so I can celebrate and start the vicious cycle all over again.

Happy Gaining.

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PR Random Rants: Table Manners

I have shared meals and delicious snacks with quite a few people through the years, therefore, I have a mental list created of people I don’t enjoy eating with.

Them:   Hey..wanna grab lunch?

Me:   Um, ya know?  I just ate – maybe coffee?

Is it acceptable to tell a grown adult to chew with their mouth closed? Were some people not taught this as children? It’s not the sight of it – I am very capable of looking away – it’s the sloppy noise. I grew up at a dinner table my elbows were not allowed on, and if I was smacking my food a parental figure or one of my older siblings had something to say about it, and for that I am grateful.

Taking excessive bites is also concerning…

Maybe it’s because I’m a dainty, classy lady (bahaha) but I enjoy being able to taste my food. People make it nearly impossible to chew functionally because their food is protruding past their lips trying to escape. Can they taste the food amidst trying to reel it in? It’s disgusting.

Talking with a mouth full of food? How about that…?

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I wonder if people believe it will be less gross if they open their mouths and with their food-coated tongue, shove all the half-chewed food over to one side of their cheek making it bulge. It doesn’t. It’s worse, and it gives me the indication that more grossness is to follow.

Okay, so we have covered chewing with mouths open, monstrous bites, talking with food in your mouth – which leaves one thing that really agitates me.

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Metal silverware makes a really dreadful noise when scratched carelessly on glass dishes. I know this, you know this – there are ways to prevent it and I wish more people took those measures.

Now, with all that being said…

I’m not perfect. I have some bad eating habits; I would prefer to be alone while I eat Ramen for instance. It’s not pretty and I don’t pretend it is. It’s not food that I feel I want to spend a lot of time working on so, I twirl as much as I feel I want to eat, shove it in my mouth, and not so delicately chew off the remaining.

Pretty much exactly like this…

I do this alone so no one has to watch and then go write a blog about how nasty watching people eat is, because I would expect it, and wouldn’t be in the least bit offended.