The Communal Bathroom At Work Is The Best

-Said no one, EVER.

I do not like plunging other people’s shit, especially co-workers. Even my kid tries to plunge his own unnaturally large craps himself – with a towel – [but that’s another story.]

I enjoy most everyone I work with; it’s a small office with 20ish people going to the bathroom, multiple times a day. A point has been reached and I can no longer sit and be quiet. If I’m being honest, it concerns me what some of their personal bathrooms look like at home.

So we’re clear, I’m not curious – I do not want to see…it’s just concerning.

I’ve learned that what I thought was either public knowledge or common courtesy regarding a communal bathroom is obviously not. For starters, we all poop… it’s a fact of life that I, personally, have learned to deal with. When you do your business in a communal bathroom there are a few things to remember.giphy (2)

1.) Spray some damn air freshener. I’d rather smell poop & berries over  your regular old nasty shit.

2.) Make sure it flushes. Assuming everyone is a grownup that’s using this toilet – I’m sure you know what a clogged toilet does. FIX IT. Nobody in the office gets paid for that.

3.) Make sure you don’t leave a poop stain anywhere on the toilet. This includes the seat AND the inside of the bowl. I do not give two shits [pun intended] if you have to put your hand in the toilet bowl water – get rid of it.

4.) There is no need to try and conceal the fact you poo’d. Keep the fan on and close the damn door on your way out. [Do NOT turn the light off and leave the door wide open, pretending you didn’t just stink the place up, for people to walk by and be forced to waft your nastiness into their noses.]

Now, since we are all pooping… obviously we’re all using toilet paper.giphy (3)

Hypothetically speaking, let’s say you  are using the facilities and there are approximately 2 squares of toilet paper on the roll. It is safe to say, whoever was in there before you is an inconsiderate asshole.

Regardless what you’re wiping, 2 squares doesn’t cut it. I change the toilet paper roll constantly at my house: for the man I married and the kid I birthed… I don’t want to do it for my coworkers.

In addition to the communal bathroom, in many offices you also share a communal kitchen area. THIS IS WHY YOU WASH YOUR HANDS. If you want to spread your bathroom germs all over your desk, keyboard…whatever – that’s your [less-than-desirable] decision – but don’t force them upon people you work with & their lunch.

giphy (4)

I give full permission for professionals to print this and hang it in their communal bathrooms.

I couldn’t find a plunger, He said.

I walked into the bathroom last night & it was wet. (I’m talkin’ like – puddle wet)

BENNETT…Come Here………………what happened?

Slowly he peeks his head in & His nervous smirk instantly gave away his knowledge of the situation. I keep staring into his worried baby blues waiting for a response.

I think I’m gonna to be in trouble for this…

This human I created 7 years ago proceeds to tell me that he poo’d out a really big poo…& clogged the toilet. He wanted to fix it, but couldn’t find the plunger………………………………………..so, He used a towel instead.

whoawow

Yes…You read that right.

My eyes immediately shift to the towel rack where I see his green frog towel – dripping.

Drip, Drip, Drip…onto the already overflowed toilet water covering the bathroom floor.

A million visuals are racing through my head at this point & one of them is my son shoving his poop down the toilet with a towel– elbows deep in toilet (poop) water. How did I not know this happened?! Lord, help me…Was this before dinner?! Did he wash his hands?!?

As I am imagining how this all went down I failed to notice that Bennett was staring at me – watching my facial expressions change with each new visual.

I thanked him for being honest with me, went upstairs for the plunger…

…And that’s that.

imnotevenmadthatsamazing