Meijer, Mimosas, and Men’s Vests

Ask anyone, I love Meijer. The aisles are wide, the lights are bright, and now this:

That’s Prosecco, next to orange juice. Not that I think you’re blind, I just have to keep saying it. This quickly prompted a conversation that began with only a picture:

Four things about this:

  1. Operation Find Mimosa Bitch is on. I don’t care if it’s a he or a she, they deserve the title of Mimosa Bitch. I appreciate Lizzy giving me he/she aspect, automatically I assumed it was a female – if it’s a male, I will still call the individual Mimosa Bitch.
  2. It was at the Meijer in Appleton, Wisconsin, and I am more than serious to know who was responsible for this act of brilliance. If you know this person – please get them in contact with me. (JenWritesStuff@outlook.com)
  3. Why is this the first time I’m seeing this sort of marketing prowess? I feel like if Lizzy or I were in charge of product placement in a grocery store, we’d have been on top of it, and I’d be writing about our acceptance into Mensa.
  4. I corrected my type-o as if I thought Lizzy actually might have thought I meant what I typed … we need to stop doing that.

Another thing that happened at Meijer that day? I noticed that every man over 30 was in a vest. Missed the memo that this is now the dress code for the cool dudes. There was the man with the flannel under the vest, the guy whose hat matched the vest, the gut whose hat matched the flannel under the vest. My man asked me why I didn’t get him one for Christmas. He noticed too. 

It would take quite a lot for me to stop shopping at Meijer. I can’t count to the number of vests that would keep me away from making my toilet paper, makeup, and everything else purchases from the place with such perfect marketing of mimosas.

Before leaving I went to the bathroom, and before entering saw this:

Why are there not changing stations for men to use everywhere? Men have babies, too. Why is this even exciting to me? Why does there need to be a sign for this? So many questions. This should be normal, which is just another reason Meijer is the best (with lots of vests).

For real though, someone find me that mimosa bitch.

PR Monday Memes: Real Life

PRMondayMemesEvery day we log into social media and browse our friends, and not actual friends, highlight reels. I’m guilty, so instead, today I’m going to share some real life shit. Because I like to revile in minor failures and less than desirable realities on occasion.

Why!?

Not all clowns are scary…

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Clownssss

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Adulting, it’s hard…

I thought this fear was supposed to dissipate with age…

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👀👀👀

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First things first…

Yes, please…

Can we just eat the cake?

Bitch, Love ME!

Take me back…

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#SarcasmOnly

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Procrastinating is my favorite…

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Eh probs gonna pass

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I saved the realist for last…

It worked for me, you can gain weight too!

A few months ago I dropped a good 20 pounds, and let me tell you, I was felling real good. I was beaming. I worked my booty off, literally, and people noticed.

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There’s this little, sometimes big, thing I like to do after an accomplishment and that’s eat. All that hard work down the shitter, those 20 (plus some) pounds were back in less than a month… because I guess that’s what happens after thirty.

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whatever…

I need to stop shoveling every delicious and fattening thing into my greedy mouth. Particularly: ice cream, taquitos, pizza and Taco Bell.

So, now that I’ve come back to that realization, it’s go-time again. My knowledge and experience with weight fluctuation basically makes me an expert, so I wouldn’t feel right about hopping back onto my healthy train without giving some plausible advice first.

This is what worked for me – it can work for you too.

TEN HABITS FOR WEIGHT GAIN:

1.)  Eat out as often as possible – you know you can’t make that burger taste as good at home.

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2.)  Marry a loving spouse that could really care less how bubbly and big your ass is getting.

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3.) DO NOT control your portions – this one will get ya. When you’re questioning if you need that extra scoop – trust me, you do. 

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4.) Extra Cheese, Please. (And Add Bacon)…

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5.) Stop drinking water all together and enjoy some carbonated goodness. Fuck water, you can get a Big Buddy from Kwik Trip for a buck!

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6.) Don’t Exercise. At all. The less movement the better.

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7.) Snack, or better yet – eat a 4th meal late at night, right before bed. It’s always easier to fall asleep with a full belly.

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8.) The best way to cure boredom is to eat. Go open that fridge and find something to do/eat. (Bonus: Same deal with stress – fried food makes everything better.)

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9.) Wine on Monday, Wine on Tuesday, Wine on Wednesday… Wine. Wine. Wine.

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10.) When you feel full – you aren’t actually full. Fight through the it and eat the rest of that pleasingly excessive portion you put there. …Um, and don’t you dare forget dessert.

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So, there it is folks. All you have to do is eat like shit and sit on your ass. If you have any questions or concerns, I’ll be over here…eating grilled chicken and broccoli until I drop the weight, so I can celebrate and start the vicious cycle all over again.

Happy Gaining.

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PR Monday Memes: Parenting

I have one child, a ten-year-old. He’s pretty much the coolest kid I know, but if we’re being honest there are still days, a decade later, that I want to rip my hair out simply because parenting is hard.

We’ve transitioned from little-kid-parenting into big-kid-parenting and apparently, it doesn’t ever get easier…the worries, responsibilities, and back talk just change.

So, without further a due, just take a second to laugh about it.

There are parenting wins…

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THIS DAD IS AN ABSOLUTE LEGEND (Read the entire note)

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…And there are parenting fails.

https:q//www.instagram.com/p/BZfDLQjFEDv/

The day you realize their meltdown doesn’t have to be your meltdown.

GENIUS PARENTING ALERT:

We all think we have the greatest ideas but stop.

Please, for just an hour or two, stop doing shit I have to lose my shit over. Please.

Weird…

There’s something to be said about the tolerance level you have for your own, verse other people’s children.

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WHAT…WAS…I…(long pause)…THINKING???

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He hasn’t eaten any actual vegetables in three days, unless potatoes count, no? Okay…

Not all of us can be the best… good for those who are though, really, good for you.

Have a good week, parents, and people thinking about becoming parents, I hope this didn’t change your mind. It’s great, really. 

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PR Monday Memes: Makeup

I don’t know if I love to hate it, or if I hate to love it more. It’s so expensive. I’ve resorted to nasty ass dollar tree shit at times, and not always because I couldn’t afford the “cheap” cover girl mascara – that’s still ten fucking dollars – out of just straight protest. Wwwhhhyyyy do I have to drop $50 for three items?

Ugh, I hate it.

But I love how a swipe of bronzer on my cheek feels more. It’s clearly a messed up relationship.

I take no credit for coming up with any of this hilarity, only for sharing it with you.

You’re welcome.


Where’s all your money? All over my face.

It almost always starts and ends this way. Well, I already went a little far, where’s my purple lipstick?

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Good plan though… 😌😂🙈👌

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Eyeliner makes me feel badass but putting eyeliner on is a bitch. “I’m fucking left handed, why do i always fuck up my left god damn eye?! That’s a real question I ask myself every…single…time.

Lipstick is kinda my jam. A friend once told me: The brighter the lipstick, the less you’ll have to repeat yourself. Career waitress here, I tell my husband the dressing choices in my sleep. I also wear blinding lipstick.

Foundation is hard.

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Iconic. #makeupmeme #makeupmememondy

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But if I had to choose only one, mascara wins. Never waterproof though, waterproof mascara should be banned because the devil clearly came up with it. Someone start a petition.

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Every 🙃 Single 🙃 Time 🙃

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That’s it, that’s all I got for today. Happy Monday, folks.