Hours, days, minutes, years.
Moments, desires, people.
All of them.
Little things, big intentions.
Bad Decisions, questions, excuses.
Realization, apologies, tears.
Hours, days, minutes, years.
This whole self-employment thing? The good news is…I feel like I’m working. I’m pleased with the fact that I do not feel like I quit my job & just sit on my fat ass. I do sit on my fat ass… but productively.
There is a plan.
I’ve made more money than I initially budgeted for and to stay on task I’ve created a list of chores that can be done around the house when I need a break from the words. This massive list of housework, that includes shit that doesn’t even matter? Yeah…it exists 100% as a preventative measure
…so I do not turn on Dateline. Lord knows I would make an excuse to watch one more… after 7.
They are so sneaky. Has anyone else noticed how there are conveniently no commercials between the end of one episode into the beginning of the next?
It’s just something I’ve learned over the years.
With my new found evenings that I’ve regained, I found myself spending quality time with my husband. Doing what? Oh, ya know…just normal shit that typical people who grew up in the 90’s should do… watching music videos on YouTube (which totally beats the VHS tapes I used to record them on). Obviously, my choice was the Jason Derulo & Luke Bryan Skype duet…
Brandin: As a man…I can acknowledge that Luke Bryan is good looking.
[…45 seconds in]
Brandin: I hate him.
[…45 seconds later]
Branding: If 100 girls were polled with a lineup of multiple men… He would obviously be the one that majority of the women are attracted to.
Me: You’ve thought about this a lot haven’t you?
Brandin: I hate him.
But he really doesn’t… it was a lovely moment we had. I’ve also been graced with more time to play scrabble with Brandin and Bennett.
The point is… I’m happy to have time again. Having my evenings back is #ucking amazing.
I’ll be starting a job as a waitress at a supper club September first-ish. One of their servers is leaving to go to Thailand because… well, opportunity presented itself and she grabbed it – leaving the opening for me, who also grabbed an opportunity. I’m a firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason – and this makes sense to me. Besides, there is something about hanging out with people who are out to have a good time, and getting paid for it – that is kind of awesome; I’ve sincerely missed serving.
Basically, my house is super clean… I get to have meaningful conversation with my husband & spend more time with my offspring.
In case you’re someone who hasn’t asked me yet, I have zero plans to create any more human beings. The words, ‘Perfectly Content’ come to mind when I think about the three person operation I have going on.
We have a dad, a mom and our 8 year old.
Being pregnant wasn’t a negative experience & has nothing to do with the choice I’ve made. I loved being pregnant. Growing a person inside your body is kind of an amazing experience & I’d totally do it again…If I didn’t have to be thrown back into infant parenting.
Have you ever gotten married, and then told people you weren’t trying to make a
baby? It’s interesting. Depending on the person, the emotions vary. You have the really disappointed grandparents, the new-parent-friends who want to make sure you’re sure it’s the right decision & then there are the people who just stare at you – confused.
Allow me to explain:
My child is currently basking in his independence and we all love it. Why would I want to disrupt that?
He’s old enough to appreciate awesome day trips [that he’ll remember] and he can play outside without supervision. He helps out around the house AND he’s fun to be around.
I was young when I had my human & I will be young when he moves out. I didn’t plan it this way; I thought I’d have more than one, but before we knew it he was eight years old. Who wants to start all over again when you’re about half way done?!
Let’s talk about money; I do not swim in it. I want to provide my son with as much security and awesomeness as possible. Unlike a lot of my generation, I don’t agree with bringing more children into the world when we’re not financially prepared for it.
I made that mistake once while it all worked out, I learned from it.
Our entire dynamic would change if an infant was introduced to our family. I don’t even remember what it’s like to have a baby. I don’t remember what it’s like to have a toddler. Having legit conversations with my offspring… it’s what I’ve gotten used to.
The court proceedings have begun, meaning new information has become available regarding how something like this could happen. While none of it is logical, it should put weight on parent’s shoulders everywhere.
Payton’s parents explained on ABC’s 20/20 the relationship between Morgan & their daughter. They’d been best friends since the 4th grade & Payton was excited about Morgan’s birthday party. With no reason for concern, they dropped her off expecting to hear stories of the night she’d been looking forward to. Instead, the following morning a detective & uniformed officer were knocking on their door.
When Stacie and Joe Leutner heard who was responsible for attacking their daughter, they searched their minds for any other alternative. Morgan was a young girl who had been in their home many times, over several years.
Payton was stabbed 19 times; one wound missing a major artery by the width of a human hair.
As a parent, the first thing that enters my mind is…
I can’t even feel safe sending my child over to a friends house anymore.
Morgan’s parents dabbled in some dark hobbies and while that may provide an answer or two regarding why their daughter showed interest in fictional characters like Slenderman, she also had notebooks with disturbing drawings & dismembered Barbie dolls with cult symbols scribbled on their bodies.
Even if her parents knew of those [obviously questionable] items, additionally, in her bedroom, she had a list of supplies that she would need to attack Payton.
Anissa & Morgan planned this & after their plan was complete, they left Payton in the woods as they walked away; on their way to a nonexistent mansion in the woods, to become Slender Man’s proxies.
A bicyclist went off the beaten path that morning and found the bleeding, injured girl laying in the grass, gasping for help. Ironically, this man went on a chained off, restricted path… what are the odds?
“There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed.”
While Payton was being operated on in a hospital bed, fighting for her life, her best friend was being interviewed by detectives.
In an interrogation room, Morgan told a story about how oddly calm they were as they walked down the road, covered in blood.
Detective: “Silver Man?”
Anissa: “No. Slender Man.”
Detective: “Oh, Slender Man.”
Morgan: “And he has tendrils that are very sharp.”
Detective: “Do you see him in your dreams? Or where do you see him at?”
Morgan: “Oh, I see him in my dreams.”
They claimed the motive was simple, to prove Slenderman’s existence.
Anissa: “So, I decided to go along, tag along, to prove the skeptics
Detective: “Ok, so did you think you actually had to kill somebody to prove it?”
Detective: “Like for real?”
Later, it’s questioned how Morgan ended up with the kitchen knife.
Detective: “So, how did you get the knife from Anissa?
Morgan Geyser: “She sort of just shoved it into my hands… and there it was! And then I didn’t know what I did. It just sort of happened. It didn’t feel like anything. It was like air.”
When the girls were asked how they persuaded Payton into the woods…
Morgan Geyser: “We said we were going to go bird watching. People who trust you become very gullible, and it was sort of sad.”
Nine hours of interrogation tapes were released…maybe 10 minutes worth have been quoted. That’s chilling; these are twelve year old girls who will potentially be tried as adults for attempted murder & face 65 years in prison.
I am rarely at a loss for words but this about silences me. I believe if there is one thing I can take from this, is hope that every single parent is on the same page when I say:
Your children are not entitled to privacy.
Technology is so vast – Parents need to know how their kids are using it.
When your kid is over at a friend’s house, look in their room. After they go to bed, look in their phone. Why? …Why not? Snooping is a privilege that’s handed down for giving life; seems like a fair trade.
I’m going to become an advocate for parental rights. Stand up to your children, do not worry about their feelings when it comes to privacy. Have confidence that if your kid winds up doing something crazy… the police aren’t going to find satanic drawings & voodoo dolls in their bedroom.
If you happen to stumble across some questionable items… ask. Open that thing called….what is it? Oh yeah… conversation.
Maybe it’s not Slenderman.
Maybe it’s not something 100% obvious – just talk.
You need to know if your person, that you are responsible for is getting into things they shouldn’t be. You need to know who they’re spending their time with; get to know the parents of your children’s friends…
Pay attention to your kids. The Slenderman stabbing case should put weight on parent’s shoulders everywhere.
Once upon a time, in a land kinda far away… I was a robot. There were no wires, sensors, control systems or software under my skin, but, I did have a function that habitually moved me. I was equipped to please.
As a robot, you don’t need to worry about your own feelings – because there are none. Perhaps occasionally a twinge of something begins, but it’s quickly dismissed… because there are more important things & people who are counting on your services.
It’s irrational to believe anyone has the type of power I was attempting to achieve in my robotic status. A few years back I ran into some mechanical problems & I started having original thoughts. When a systematic person’s soul sole function is to ensure the happiness of everyone around them, eventually some wires will get crossed.
My head spun around a few times.
Violently, I shook.
Without warning, I felt control over myself. Control of happiness, choices, words, time, decisions, effort, feelings, direction, wants, needs, sadness, passion… I felt it all. The discipline I’d crafted for everyone else’s happiness – was turned onto myself. Where has the concern for me been all this time? What have I missed out on?
As the reality exploded in front of me, I ran with it.
I found a passion & started writing. Writing turned into comprehending & more feeling. The feeling transformed into self-love; that type of love does not come from other’s happiness – it comes from your own.
Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
-George Bernard Shaw
Change does not translate easily to everyone. A dramatic shift in demeanor must mean something negative, right? Assumptions were made & ideas turned into fabrications.
There’s chatter from across the way: Sally, Joe & John are worried about you…
FIX IT – it’s what you do.
Reach out. Talk to them. Tell them where you are. Tell them everything is going to be okay.
The truth is…no one asked; Sally, Joe & John assumed. Slowly, it became a slap in the face. Regardless how slow the motion & connection, it hurt.
It is unacceptable to theorize my life with a negative tone & not question it. It’s distasteful to chatter among yourselves about a toxic situation you believe I’m in & not question it. Because of this, there are people in my life I no longer speak with. Do I miss them? Yep, sure do.
Judge me and mine & keep your wolves dressed in sheep’s clothing on a pedestal.
Life is not about proper movement.
Being isn’t about knowing what to say all the time.
There should not be a script for every day life.
Originality is inspiring. Your brain can be exercised & you won’t even break a sweat. Don’t be afraid to stick up for yourself.Don’t be hesitant to find happiness in unconventional ways. Find something you’re good at… do it, a lot. Your ideas hold value, even if it’s only to you. Don’t do anythingfor the masses.
Just be happy.
Don’t surround yourself with anyone who fights that.