I Live in the Drunkest City in America

With more than 20,000 cities populating the United States, what are the odds that four out of the top ten drunkest cities in America are within 25 minutes of my home, while living in number one? Even if we go a bit further out, 11 out of the top 20 are in Wisconsin.

[Drunkest city in U.S.? It’s Appleton, Wis., report says]

I did not grow up here, I moved from Minnesota roughly seven years ago and while I still feel uneasy when people call the drinking fountain a bubbler, and I still want to slap the mouths that say Duck Duck Goose rather than, Duck Duck Grey Duck… I feel comfortable calling the Badger state my home.

So what is this list all about anyway?

The first time it perused across my screen I assumed it was a local survey of sorts, I mean, four out of ten cities I consider local, even spending significant amounts of time in each of them, it made sense. Knowing now that the gathered information consumes the entire country, I can’t help but laugh and everyone else around here seems to find this tidbit of national spotlight amusing right along with me.

I logged onto Facebook today and was instantly greeted by three variations of the story – one was the original, followed by two covers from the local news and radio stations and then the plethora of friends who shared the news with a bunch of laugh-cry emojis.

For the record, it is not that there is nothing else to do out here, it’s just normal to drink while doing everything.

Last year, trick or treating in Appleton, Wisconsin we stumbled across a couple in their late 20’s or early 30’s, with no children, pulling a wagon full of Busch Light. Parents walking over, laughing it up over their clever take on adult trick-or-treating. Does this kind of thing happen in Arizona or Connecticut? If I’m being honest, we already had some chocolate liqueur mixed with our hot chocolate for the trek through the neighborhood. Don’t judge us.

Now that I’ve seen this list, I’m beginning to think our normal, out here in drunksville, is not necessarily the norm for the occupants in the other 19,000+ cities. I’m being forced into these assumptions that people outside of Wisconsin who look at this list think we’re all a bunch of slurring, staggering morons. I’m stuck imagining people in Oregon and Utah right now, sipping their herbal tea or decaf coffee gossiping about how we must hate our lives to have so many heavy drinkers condensed in one common area…

…but most of us don’t.

Sure, there are people who can’t handle themselves or their alcohol consumption as well as the next Wisconsinite, but overall, it’s a way of life that everyone is simply accustomed to; call it a tolerance if you will. I could name at least five people in my life that would tell you, without hesitation, four or five drinks in a two-hour span of time is nothing. I imagine their look would scream: Yeah, and…?

Out here we have these restaurants called Supper Clubs, where people gladly wait over an hour for a table because they enjoy sipping on cocktails before dinner – that’s the whole point of coming. Even when there is no wait, a large chunk of individuals will belly up to the bar before taking a seat in the dining room only to find themselves back where they started for an after-dinner drink. Sometimes it’s a grasshopper, sometimes it’s coffee and Kahlua and sometimes it’s Jack on the rocks but it’s never considered abnormal.

Coming from Minnesota, where you can’t purchase any alcohol on Sundays and the rest of the week it’s sold only in liquor stores, you can imagine my face when I stopped into Walmart and saw a section full of alcoholic adult beverages. I felt like a rebel. You mean, I can just throw this 12 pack of Coors Light with my toilet paper, deodorant and greeting card… and be on my way?

You can buy booze at Walgreens.

Sick? Picking up a prescription for a nasty virus? No worries, you can throw in that bottle of brandy the doctor suggested under his breath; one stop shop.

I mean, if we’re being real though this list came from recent statistics the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism found on per capita alcohol consumption, which makes it a touch more sensitive.

Thankfully most of us have already passed the denial phase, if there even was one, we accept who we are. Wisconsin residents and I drink more than we should; good, bad or ugly… it’s the norm. Call it an excuse if you’d like, in Wisconsin, it’s a culture.

Cheers.

Summer [Pros & Cons]

I was mildly roasting in my hooded sweatshirt last weekend & for us living in a state that’s ridiculously cold most of the year…that’s considered summer [at 66 degrees]. Like many other things, places & people… Summer & I have a complicated, love/hate relationship.

It’s not technically summer yetbut I’m getting prepared.

PROS

giphy (8)


CASUAL DRESSES  

They’re not shorts that crawl up with every step. If you’re one of the lucky gals who have no idea what it’s like to have a thigh gap, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Fact: There is no casual, classy or sexy way to pull your underwear outta there.

FLOWING TANK TOPS

Relax, Breathe…stop sucking it in.

Don’t worry about the fat roll that’s chillin’ comfortably under the airy top. When you’re out in public, and you want to take a seat – no need to adjust your pants before you make any sudden movements – the flowy top has your back.

giphy (2)

NOT FREEZING OUR ASSES OFF

Obviously on the list of Pros- freezing your ass off sucks…the most.

I’d rather feel sweat drip from undesirable areas than hunch over, shivering so I don’t die…………. from freezing my ass off. 

0% CHANCE OF SNOW [hopefully]

snow car

The snow is not the actual problem. Snow is beautiful.

It’s driving in the snow, driving with other people in the snow, shoveling the snow, trying to get the snow off your vehicle so you can drive in the snow, having soggy socks because of the snow…………………………

WE WILL NOT GO BROKE HEATING OUR HOUSE

Not heating the house isn’t an option; it’s also not cheap. It’s obnoxious that we have to drive to work – freezing our booties off all the way…while we pay to heat our house – that we’d so much rather be in.

It’s a vicious cycle, really.

GROWING YOUR OWN FOOD & STICKING IT TO THE MAN

I’m currently in the process of growing food & it’s so much easier than you probably make it up to be in your head. If you have the space, there are no excuses – get some veggies going; #uck the grocery store. 

giphy (3)

“GO PLAY OUTSIDE”

The number of times parents get to say this goes up drastically.

In the winter you need to assess the safety factor before sending your kid out in the cold & you justify letting them sit inside in front of the television. In the summertime, kids should be outside while parents enjoy peace & quiet…in the house.

FOURTH OF JULY

america

Who doesn’t love it?

Woooo, America! 

…When I get all patriotic, what I’m actually saying is: Give me a hot dog & some potato salad because we all know that’s what birthday parties are all about.

GOODBYE PASTY SKIN 

It’s embarrassing. For people who don’t bake themselves for color

giphy (4)

Summertime is a time for redemption.

You wouldn’t believe how nice of a tan my pale, gross skin will get

…eventually…

OUTDOOR FARMERS MARKET’S ARE BETTER THAN INDOOR

They’re both great – I’m all for supporting local farmers & my community as often as I can… but gathering produce outside in the sunshine is 492x better than meandering in a maze of a city center. 

CONS

CROCS

crocs

It doesn’t matter the color, brand, how comfortable they are, if they’re fur-lined, have minimal holes or extra large holes – they will always be a con. ALWAYS.

86% OF PEOPLE’S ATTIRE IN WALMART

giphy (5)

Walmart is a gathering place for people who don’t give a #uck. Bring the hot weather into play and you have a whole-lotta spaghetti traps & short shorts……all where they don’t belong. 

GIRLS IN BIKINIS WHO THINK THEIR MASSIVE BOOBS ARE DISTRACTING EVERYONE FROM THEIR GUT

This is not body-shaming…this is a favor to all involved.

Just because your boobs are massive…doesn’t mean you should wear a bikini. Anyone who is offended by that: have you ever shuttered at a guy in a Speedo?

speedo

Male or Female: there are lots of styles out there for your shape – utilize them.

FEELING BAD FOR THE POOR GUY AT THE POOL WHO IS WEARING A SHIRT WHILE SWIMMING

I feel more sympathetic towards a guy who is self conscious of his body than I do girls. I apologize, I have no logical explanation regarding why other than I’m a girl – with some bitchy qualities, typically towards other females.

HUMIDITY = TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE,& NO GOOD

giphy (6)

Everyone can relate to opening a door and getting slapped in the face with hot, sticky air that fills your lungs and then releases through your hair.

In the meantime – if you need to get anywhere you’ll need to swim through the muggy air. Humidity is the worst thing about summer.

THE DAY YOU FORGET TO WEAR DEODORANT

We’ve all done it. You catch a whiff & you’re immediately mad at whoever stinks

giphy

………………and then you realize it’s you.

Hopefully, you’re in a position where you can fix the problem – but sometimes that’s not the case & you pray everyone stays away from you. Embarrassing.

THE NEED TO SHAVE ON A REGULAR BASIS

Guys, you have no idea; it’s a commitment. A time consuming, necessary evil. There is no getting around having hairy legs & arm pits when its 70+ degrees outside.

WE WILL GO BROKE TRYING TO KEEP THE HOUSE COOL

While it’s a con, and it sucks…it’s not nearly as necessary as the heat in the winter. There is nothing like walking into a cool house on a hot, humid day though & that’s worth something.

giphy (7)

STICKING TO LEATHER FURNITURE

Why does anyone have leather furniture? Is it a status thing? I will never understand. Whether it’s in a vehicle, or in a living room the feeling of your thigh unpeeling itself from leather is not pleasant. I don’t like it & I’ve never met anyone who does. 

THE GUILT OF A NICE DAY, WHEN ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS SIT AROUND IN PAJAMAS

Being a home-body in the summer time can have some major downsides. Sometimes, all you want to do is sit in the house & watch Netflix; even if it’s 73 degrees, sunny with a light breeze.

It’s almost impossible to feel okay sitting in a dark living room with the sun mocking you through the curtains.

HEY LAZY ASS. JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOUR FAT NEIGHBOR IS OUTSIDE ENJOYING THE DAY.

giphy (1)


[GIF SOURCE]

15 Things I’ve Learned After 2 Years Of Marriage

Two years ago today I married my husband; he also married me – it was a mutual decision.

969620_10151693062155452_1638675404_n

Our wedding was amazing & while I sincerely hope that every bride feels that way about their wedding day,  I think mine was probably better.

400708_10151693037685452_1122088088_n

We had a chocolate fountain & the best company a couple could ask for. I wanted to renew our vows after 6 months so we could throw another party.

996014_10151716268780452_2007238470_n

Two years isn’t long in the grand scheme of things [ie: forever] but certainly long enough to learn a few things about having a spouse.

15 Things I’ve Learned After 2 Years Of Wedded Bliss [Mostly]

526340_10151920345395452_2065796891_n

  1. If you aren’t going to divorce them, it’s probably not worth screaming about. Know when to get over it & let it go.
  2. The amount of give and take is not always 50/50 & that’s okay; it’ll all even out if you’re doing it right.
  3. Your spouse knows you better than you know yourself…even if you don’t think so. Give them some credit.
  4. If you don’t cook delicious food & your spouse does… clean up.
  5. Love is a verb, not a noun.
  6. Express gratitude… even if you think it’s something small & unimportant – they like it.
  7. Happy Wife, Happy Life : Happy Husband, Happy Wife.
  8. Never use the divorce word, ever… unless you plan to actually do it, like yesterday.
  9. If you want something from your spouse… ask for it or stop complaining.
  10. The definition of sexy changes… like, when my husband fixed the screen door last weekend, that was sexy.
  11. Chuck the whole never go to bed angry thing out the window. Sometimes it’s late – and sleep is a much better option… you’re married – you can talk about it tomorrow…and the next day…and the next day if needed.
  12. Your spouse is as perfect as you are – which is not perfect at all. Accept it. Disappointment is inescapable.
  13. Apologize first… if you didn’t – appreciate when the other does.
  14. Your spouse’s reaction, suggestion & responses are open to interpretation, assume they have the best of intentions & not the worst.
  15. Love changes as time passes. I don’t love my husband more or less – but I love him differently than I did last year.

When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory. –Friedrich Nietzsche

964974_10151680902815452_656795082_o
Partners in crime, Bicker Buddies, Soul Mates

Five Things To Keep In Mind For 2015

Call them New Years Resolutions if you’d like… I’d prefer not to.

I try to avoid setting myself up for that kind of failure; I’m too lazy busy to follow through with an actual “resolution”… [Sounds so serious.] With one day remaining of 2014, here are 5 things I’ll be keeping in mind for the upcoming year.

(Perhaps you’re also a bit behind on the New Year goals & kinda “busy” [or lazy]… feel free to call these your own.)

Do Not Board Any Airplanes

New Theory, Folks.
Something I learned in 2014 is that Airplanes are just not for me. I’ve never had a problem flying; the handful of times I’ve had the pleasure I even looked forward to it. 
Me, like the rest of you…enjoy the idea of flying & the idea of getting somewhere in a quick fashion.
No more. Nope.
I’ll take my road trip & not disappear – See ya in 3 days.

Things Aren’t So Bad

Ugly Mad Face

Sometimes I get a bit heated. Occasionally I slam doors. There are moments I’m not super proud of…I need to remember that things could always be worse.

Someone is in a way worse situation somewhere and they probably bitch way less. Losing my keys, Waking up late, Not having any coffee left… all obnoxious, but really aren’t worth getting all nutty over. That face happens.

I’m a pretty lucky person when all is said and done. I’m going to relax & remember that things aren’t so bad in 2015.

Never Shop At Kohls, Ever Again

How the conversation went…

They screwed me over this year. If anyone in the world of Corporate Kohls stumbles across my little corner of the World Wide Web here… I want you to know… You all suck – Pass the word in 2015. Please & Thank You.

I will never shop there again, and I’ll tell as many people as possible to avoid your crap store, with crap customer service & crap financial departments that don’t take phone calls…after they take a bunch of money out of someone’s bank account (unauthorized) .

[Disclaimer: A grudge will be held through 2015 at minimum. I might come back in 2016. …Maybe.]

Makeup Is Optional, Not Necessary 

I stopped wearing makeup for 3 months this year, consecutively. There are a few lovely things that are possible when you’re not wearing makeup…

  • You can rub your eyes…whenever you want.
  • You can sleep longer.
  • Cry it out… No crazy eyes for you.
  • You can shower longer.
  • You don’t have to wash your face at night (which…if I’m being honest – I don’t do that when I’m wearing makeup either…But, lots of you ladies do [& good for you…I’m lazy, remember?]
  • You won’t get any makeup on the collar of your shirt or cute winter hat.

By all means, wear your war-paint Ladies…just remember, you don’t have to.

If There’s A Problem, Fix It.

In the past [like, yesterday] I’ve suffered from something called, Procrastination Burden Disorder; PBD for short – self diagnosed. This disorder stops my brain from doing the logical thing when placed in a situation that’s less than desirable.

Rather than fix the problem…I’d actually rather sit and stew about it.

Not anymore… I am going to medicate myself with some meditation paired with a healthy dose of daily affirmations & cure myself in 2015 once and for all [fun fact: I’m a doctor & a spiritual healer].

Daily Affirmations

I am thankful for each day.

I will not eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

I embrace the unknown.

I am focused on today.

I will get my shit together.

Less stressing, more fixing… Because, I’m a badass.

Be at war with your vices
at peace with your neighbors
and let every new year find you a better man.
Benjamin Franklin 

10 Things I Took Away From Monday Night Football This Week

1.) Marshawn Lynch is Crazy-Beasty fast

[Yes, I made that term up.]

Holy Cannoli

I have never seen a running back plow through with no regard for anything in front of him the way he does.

via: seattlepi.com
via: seattlepi.com

& He does it over…and over…and over again.

2.) Fleet Farm Toyland forgot about November

Commercial Break…

via: fleetfarm.com
via: fleetfarm.com

WHY is Fleet Farm already telling us about Toyland opening at 7am… & layaway?! It’s the beginning of October. Gross…

Please… Stop it. 

3.) Another Minnesota Viking has left for Seattle

After playing with the convicts Minnesota Vikings for 11 years, Defensive Tackle – Kevin Williams is now with a few other smart and lucky players to make the transition to the Seahawks.

He follows suit after Percy Harvin (We’ll get to him shortly), Sidney Rice and A.J. Jefferson.

Cant say I really blame them; good move, guys.

via: giphy.com
via: giphy.com
4.) If you live in Wisconsin, and like to drive drunk… call this guy

Local commercials are the best…aren’t they?

Pitsch Law will help you get out of your consequences. That’s what I took from that. What a terrible commercial. I promise – no more commercial talk.

5.) The Redskins are happy to have DeSean Jackson

Formerly a Philadelphia Eagle, DeSean Jackson caught a long touchdown pass from quarterback Kirk Cousins; closing the gap between the two teams by 10 points. They still had a chance…

That made touchdown catch #19 since entering the NFL in 2008 of 50+ yards. Fun Fact: That’s the most in the NFL, per ESPN.

6.) Penalties, Penalties, Penalties…

Not only are the Washington Redskins happy to have Desean Jackson… they should also be happy that the Seattle Seahawks managed to lose 90 yards over a span of 13 penalties. This could have been much uglier.

Speaking of penalties… 

penalty_flag

7.) Percy Harvin Is Annoyed

Percy had 3 touchdowns in Monday Night’s game against the Washington Redskins that were taken back due to penalties. (Two of them, back to back!) I was shocked when I saw his face on my television after the 3rd & he was smiling…. Keep it classy, Percy. I’d be going nutty.

via: sportige.com
via: sportige.com
8.) Russell Wilson knows how to use his legs

Jeeze Louise… he is mobile! Every single play, Russell Wilson seems to know exactly where to move under pressure. The conclusion that I have come up with is that he hates getting sacked.

Russell Be Like:

Nope…Not happenin’ guys…gotta catch me first.

Suckers…

…First down. I looked good doing that, didn’t I?

9.) Richard Sherman Is Awesome & I love him

This, I already knew. It bothers me that people have beef with his explosive personality. Richard Sherman is smart. He only says things he is able to back up.

via: urbanintellectuals.com
via: urbanintellectuals.com

Last night Pierre Garcon pulled Richard Sherman to the ground by his hair & well, that didn’t make Mr. Sherman very happy. He proceeded to tell cameras during his post game interview that Garcon, “Doesn’t matter in this league.”

Garcon responded with:

[#TeamRichardSherman …I love Richard Sherman. That’s it.]

10.) Fun Twitter Fact:

After last night… I think I might be a Seahawks Fan.  

…I suppose there are worse things to be.


ONSIDE CHICK is over HERE to fulfill all your football needs!

…We will provide weekly updates on all teams, fantasy tips, and lessons for all you ladies who want to learn the play book…