Motherhood differs from parenthood. Women grow that thing in their stomach and then push them out in a dramatic, painful, amazing way. I am not taking away from the dads out there, you also deal with things that we as moms do not… but we’re fucking the best. It’s just the way it is.

I’ve been a mom for over a decade and it’s brought me more joy, pain, fear, and happiness than I ever thought possible. To be frank, bringing my son into this world was miserable. Thirty-six hours of labor, for them to just cut the damn offspring outta my stomach. I requested the c-section at noon and it happened at 10:40pm that night. I’ll spare you the rest of the grody details.

My son has taught me more than any book or teacher ever could. I am a more selfless, aware, and compassionate person than I was before he entered my world and for that I’m thankful. We’ve had our ups, downs, and in-betweens but at the end of every single day, I’m proud to call him mine.

I used to think that parenting an older kid would be easier than the younger kid phase, but I was wrong. It’s not harder, per say, but the worries and challenges are bigger, just like him. I used to get paranoid that he’d fall and hit his head, or put a foreign object in his nose or ears, now I’m worried about his emotional stability and what is going on when I’m not around. Who he is spending his time with at school, and if his mouth is already as rotten as mine when I’m not within earshot.

He doesn’t hold my hand anymore, but he still catches my blown kisses I throw in his direction and slaps them right on his heart. The day that stops, will be a sad day. I’ve watched him grow up with each of his decisions, good and bad, into this independent man-monster. Sometimes he’s rude, sometimes he has an attitude for no good reason, and sometimes he tells me I look beautiful. Each of his quirks unique to him.

He’ll be in middle school next year and then high school. Eventually, I’ll have to wonder if he’ll want to hang out with me when I can no longer force it upon him, and he’ll have girlfriends who probably won’t live up to my expectations. It goes by quick, some say too quick, sometimes not quick enough. I’ll take each day in stride and trust that I’ve done my job to make him a functional member of our society.

“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”

– Jill Churchill

“Um, Your Son Just Said The ‘N’ Word…”

I’m sorry…

what did you say?

I am staring back at a young boy, who is hired by the service I pay to watch my 1st grader after school as if he’s speaking in a foreign language.


Dead locked. He’s serious.

Normally, my interactions with this kid (not mine – the kid watching my kid) are pleasant & I’d take his word for it, however, nearby there is a group of children… maybe 12 years old?

They are very cool. Like, the coolest kids on the block. They have this song…

…blaring out of their too cool for school phones, or ipads… whatever…

So, I break this stare down & say, “Do you think it might be, because that song is playing?”…

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That’s what he says to me. No. In my head, I am shaking him violently


…but I’m calmly just staring at him while this tune plays…over & over & over.

I took my kid, walked into the school & grabbed the secretary. Call me a tattle-tale, or say that I “went all mom“…[it wouldn’t be the first time I did.]

There was a community rummage sale going on in the gymnasium – which would explain the plethora of children outside. I was explaining what has all happened up to this point and let me tell you, this woman means business, not just this time, but all the time.

Her eyebrows furrowed and we marched out there together. I sent my kid over to the car with his dad…because, as much as this is necessary – my plan is not to embarrass my own – just the cool kids.

The same song is playing… I can still hear it as we walk up. She very sternly stands with her hands on her hips & I follow her lead.


[This is the Secretary]



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[This is me]

We then strutted away like the bad-ass grownups we are.

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I’m A Mom

I was driving down the road last week & got behind a minivan that had a bumper sticker that said, “Condoms Prevent Minivans”… Hilarious, right?? Instantly, I wanted to be friends with that person. In case you’re wondering…I proudly drive a minivan; after all…I’M A MOM.

  • Nobody can fold a shirt the way I can.
  • I’ve lost my ability to stay awake past 10:30PM comfortably.
  • My idea of, “date-night” consists of stand-up comedy…on the TV with take-out.
  • Poo, vomit & other bodily fluids don’t gross me out.
  • I prefer my house to anywhere else.
  • I’m often heard saying words like, ‘Shhhhiiioot’& ‘Fuuuucdge’ when put into predicaments.
  • My ability to speak in code is pretty impressive.
  • I don’t remember the last long phone conversation I had that wasn’t regarding a bill or an appointment.
  • 2 glasses of wine & you can call me tipsy. (Who am I kidding? One…)
  • I’ve dropped over $50 on a (singular) teddy-bear.
  • “Because… I said so” is a regular, everyday statement.
  • I’m very sleepy.
  • Running an errand by myself makes me feel young again.
  • I do homework.
  • I’m the dishwasher.
  • I’m the go-to person in my house when something is lost.
  • I’m often forced to decide to delete my show or Pokemon when the DVR gets filled.
  • I “silly-dance” just to hear perfect laughter.
  • My heart travels outside of my body.
  • I’m a Teacher, Accountant, Manager & Chef.
  • I turn down my music down when I get to a stop light.
  • I’ve pretended to be a dinosaur, a train, a horse & a tickle monster.
  • If I wake in the middle of the night, I get up – groggy & make sure everyone is still breathing.
  • I’m excited to buy things that are not for myself.
  • I’m a protector.
  • My house is not spotless, but that’s just fine.
  • I kiss open wounds.
  • Other beings happiness comes before my own.
  • I get paid with love.