Dear Cam Newton

I have always been a fan, until this morning. I turned on Good Morning Football on NFL Network and there was your face. I sat on the edge of my bed wondering why there seemed to be this off feeling among the hosts. Then, I saw the clip.
It’s not only what you said, your body language and your distasteful snicker is what really did it in for me, personally.
Not that you’d want to, but you could peruse my social media pages and see, almost a ridiculous amount, of Cammy Cammy love the kids! and other positive notions. Seeing as the Carolina Panthers are not my #1 team, it was actually confusing to people as to why I rooted for you so hard. I pushed for you, even when you sucked at your job. Even when you threw your tantrums and stormed off the field, I went around telling everyone you were just passionate and emotional.
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Do you want to know what is more embarrassing than a turnover or fumble? Telling a joke to a room full of people and hearing crickets. Been there, done that, only I was simply unfunny – not offensive. I take it back though, there were not crickets, you laughed. How many females were watching that press conference? Is it silly for me to wake up and watch Good Morning Football at 5am? How hilarious is it that my Sunday, as a woman, is spent watching football on multiple TVs in my living room? All day.
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I know, so funny…right?

Nate Burleson, you know him? He said something that rang truer than anything I could come up with. You, Cam, imply that it’s funny for a female to be talking about routes – because it’s silly to think a female can understand the game. Once upon a time, black men were not quarterbacks, because of the untrue stigma that they could not understand the game. And here you are sir, spewing garbage that I feel confident saying, shocked most people, male and female. You feel that way? Tell your buddy after the nationally televised press conference, and hopefully, whoever you’re talking to would respond with something far more intelligent.

Perhaps if you showed some humility in your mistake you’d still have a few of the fans you lost. The problem is, I don’t think you view this as a misstep, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were people still in your corner but overall, I think your arrogance has shown itself – and here we are. You have placed your team, your fans, and least importantly yourself in an awkward, messed up situation – as their leader.

Get it together, Cam.
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Sincerely,
A Female That Used To Be A Fan

An Open Letter to Katy Perry

Dear Katy,

I have three things I want to go over real quick…

1.

I get it, you have a platform you utilize to pound your chest as a strong, independent woman – who gives no fucks what anyone thinks. Good for you, except rating your celebrity sex partners is gross and not even a little bit entertaining or empowering.

Can you imagine if John Mayer did that? Man, the media would be having a field day claiming that he’s slut shaming, and how dare he discuss personal sexual encounters with the entire world – using names.

Male or female, it’s trashy – just like you.

2.

Back when you were okay with being mediocre, I liked you. Now it appears you’re trying to force yourself into that top spot, again – good for you –  reach for the stars but can you not act like your racial ignorance and white privilege are cute?

It’s not.

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You’re not six years old, you’re a woman with a voice and I wish you’d use it more wisely. No one should have to sit you down and tell you right from wrong – look into that shit before you embarrass yourself again.

3.

Your feud with Taylor Swift is boring and no one cares, including T. Swift herself. If you could get over it, like the rest of us that’d be great.  If you really can’t help yourself and feel the need to talk about it (I’m a girl – I get it), talk shit with your girlfriends like the rest of us. To do it publicly at this point is desperate and ripping your pants on stage was probably Karma telling you to just STFU. Swish Swish.

I hope someday you can be content with mediocre again, and I won’t have to cringe every single time I see your name or face. Until then…

Used to be a fan,

J.Boggs

PS: I don’t like your haircut.

An Open Letter To Stupid Viking Fans

Dear You,

You know who you are. You’re the one booing the second an interception is thrown or whenever the Vikings just don’t quite meet your expectations. I’ve been wanting to write this for quite some time; last Sunday we played the Packers and many of you showed your faces giving me the ammo I was waiting for. Our Vikes, being on a winning streak and all – I’m sure you expected them to do more than they did, right?

Twenty minutes south of Green Bay I watched the game from my house and could clearly hear roars of ‘GO-PACK-GO’ throughout the entire fourth quarter …because all of you stupid fans left. 

Did you not want to face the Packer fans? Can’t handle a little grief? Were you just that disgusted that you couldn’t bear to watch another second? Trying to beat the traffic? …All stupid reasons. I don’t give a flying shit what the score is with 8 minutes remaining in the fourth quarter… why are you leaving?!

Friendly Tip: Just don’t go. Save yourself the misery and fake fandom.

Listen, I’m not unreasonable. I also don’t enjoy being a Vikings fan 100% of the time, it’s not always fun. Hell, let’s be real, watching them kick ass in the first half only to be a completely different team when they come back from halftime sucks. I get it. Do you know what I hate more than even that, though?

Being associated with you stupid fans.

I live in Wisconsin – if there is one other Viking fan that’s in the general vicinity – we’re lumped together and I don’t appreciate it. The Vikings have the worst fans in the NFL (that could be an exaggeration… I didn’t look it up) and 79% of you only support them when they’re winning (another made up statistic).

We lost against the Packers… what about before that? The Vikings won five games in a row for the first time since 2009. We’re still playoff contenders. Our team is a talented group of guys with crazy potential and the coaching is finally where it needs to be. We play our biggest rival to defend the North Division and you let a bunch of Packer fans take over in your house. That’s gross.

While I think the Vikings deserve that new stadium… you stupid Viking fans do not. Maybe with the extra bells and whistles you’ll enjoy your time more. Meanwhile, I’m going to start drafting a letter to whoever is in charge over there – maybe they can work on some technology that can drown out your fairweather, wishy-washy-boos so the team… that you’re there to support don’t get distracted…by their fans. 

You’re dumb.

-A Non-Stupid Viking’s Fan.

SKOL.

 

Dear Writer’s Block

It’s not you, it’s me. Is that how these things are supposed to start? Unfortunately, for me, I’ve come to the rotten realization that it’s impossible to rid you from my life forever. You’ll always find a way to creep into my world and consume me with your nothingness.

Am I doing something to make you think I like you?! How long is it physically possible to sit and stare at a blinking cursor before you go completely bat-shit crazy? These are real questions, Writer’s Block… the least you can do is tell me, so I can try to stay sane as long as possible.

Are you aware of the shit you do to me? Do you have any idea? To avoid going nuts, I attempt to occupy myself by surfing the web aimlessly; it seems so normal but before I know it I’m analyzing my friend’s, ex-husband’s, new wife’s Facebook page. Why?! You turn me into some weird creep and I don’t like who I become when you’re around.

How it’s even possible for nothing, like you, to simply erase every amazing idea I’ve been repeating obsessively for hours?

Well, maybe you should have written them down…

Now I’m talking for you. You are officially driving me effing bonkers. I can’t write a single sentence for my book, but I can create inner-dialogue for nothing.

#!*$&@%

That’s how I feel right now; for some reason actual words escaped me  – weird, right? I hate it when that happens. Listen, I promise if you go away and let a girl get some work done, I will stop putting words in your made up, hypothetical mouth. Deal?

Please don’t make me beg. 

I will seriously take two [insert any expletive of your choice] days……..

I will give you my SOUL if you’ll allow me to finish National Novel Writing Month with something that at least… sorta-kinda resembles a novel of sorts. That’s super vague and totally in your favor, not to mention my soul is pretty great. Whatever you want, Writer’s Block.

The ball is in your court [like it always fucking is…].

Jen


Writers Digest: The Writing Prompt Boot Camp: Day One

Breaking Up With Writer’s Block

An Open Letter To Britt McHenry

Dear Britt McHenry,

Getting your car towed while you’re at dinner (possibly unjustifiably) has to be frustrating; that’d certainly make me unhappy, too.  Obviously, that disgusting place was not up to the standards that you, someone who is on television and news, are used to.

Gosh, what a stressful situation.

You’ve graced us ESPN viewers with your pretty face & perfect teeth and for that [you believe] we all owe you something. I’m sure if that attendant knew who you were, she’d have made it a more pleasant experience for you. Speaking of that attendant, she must have been the one who actually towed your car…right? The nerve.  I hope your mean-hearted, terrible comments you threw at her have made a difference in her life.

When you looked up at the security camera, I saw the bitch from high school that I hated, the girl who walked around the halls superior to the rest of us. Your sidekick, laughing in the background of the video supported the quick judgment I made.

Enjoy your week off from work; get a pedicure and relax, Princess.

-Jen