Gym Class

 

The only things I enjoyed in school was socializing and English…that’s it.

Actually, I also enjoyed the perfectly under-cooked Otis Spunkmeyer Chocolate Chip Cookies you could get…for breakfast, too. Clearly, I went to school before Michelle Obama started fighting childhood obesity.

Math and I? We hated each other, if there was ever a reason I shouldn’t have graduated, math would be the guilty party. How I never failed a single math class is honestly beyond me. To put it in perspective, I took my placement tests for college and was placed in a math class that focused on whole numbers and decimals… I would work my way up to fractions. 

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So, I went to beauty school to avoid it all together because fuck whole numbers.

There was only one class I dreaded more than math and that was gym. Uggghhhhh, I still hate it. I cringe when I look at my kid’s schedule and notice it’s gym day, and I don’t even have to participate.

As an adult – sure – I understand why it’s important for children to learn the value of movement, exercise, and team activities. I’m not saying that the class should be vetoed or anything, shit, I’m probably even in the minority of people who hated physical education.

I don’t care though, here goes my rant.

Gym class is one giant master plan to embarrass the living hell out of the unathletic and clumsy. Can we talk about the Presidential Standards For Physical Fitness Tests?

I never met any of the standards; I was below average for everything – push ups, sit ups, and don’t get me started on the damn pull up bar. I’m still carrying a grudge for being forced to hang from the pull-up bar even though I told them I can’t do any fucking pull-ups.

If someone put a gun to my head and forced me to choose a favorite portion of these tests, it’d be the sit and reach:  

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Fly myself forward as fast as I can in hopes that the force will be strong enough to keep that slidey thing moving after I fling backward.

How about the mile run? Some kids really pushed themselves but not me, I never ran a single mile at any point during my school years. Queen of the 27-minute mile, right here. Sometimes it was a sore ankle or the dreaded period cramps, but most of the time it was just a straight snotty protest.

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Can’t make me…

Floor hockey, soccer, football…basically any sport or activity that include things being kicked, thrown, or smacked in my direction was (and still is) bad news. If someone made the questionable choice to give me said object my goal was always the same: get rid of it as quick as I can, no thought or effort involved.

If that means handing the football off to the opposing team because they happen to be closest – I’m just trying to survive!

Speaking of survival: Dodgeball. What I actually liked to call it is, “I-Hate-My-Life-Ball“.

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Am I the only one who gave eyes to the other weak girl on the opposing team? You get me out without injury and I’ll return the favor. Oh? My turn to enter the game again since someone caught a ball? I usually let other kids go in front of me until the teacher noticed and forced me back into the whirlwind of foam balls.

Hated it.

The rope climb? Why? Why is this important? This should only be mandatory for adults who would need to perform this for a job. Firefighter. Police Officer. Military. Body Builder. If a chubby seventh-grade girl can climb a hanging rope – she deserves extra credit. As if hanging from the pull-up bar wasn’t shameful enough…

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I tried really hard to think of some things about gym class that I didn’t hate and all I could come up with were those little 4-wheeled-scooters and the parachute; both of those were in elementary school before the fear of people’s opinions though – so they don’t count.

Rant over. 


Disclaimer: I know, I’m thirty-something and I’m still holding anger over this… maybe I should go back to therapy. 

Gym Class. Ugh.

I enjoyed socializing in school & English. That’s it.

Oh wait…

I also enjoyed the Otis Spunkmeyer Chocolate Chip Cookies you could get in the morning…for breakfast. If you had the pleasure of having these delectable delights in your school…you know what I’m talking about – perfectly under-cooked.

Math & I did not have a relationship at all; if there was ever a reason I should not have graduated, math is it. How I never failed a single math course is beyond me. I took my placement tests for college & ended up being placed in a math class that focused on Whole Numbers & Decimals. That’s a true story.

As much as Math and I didn’t (and still don’t) see eye to eye… there was a class that was dreaded even more – way more, actually.

Gym Class. Ugh. (That ‘Ugh’ you see there…use lots of emphasis when you read it…).

As an adult – I understand why it is important for children to learn the importance of movement, exercise & team activities. I’m not saying that the class should be veto’d or anything…

I’m sure I’m even in the minority of people who hated (I meant to use that strong word) physical education.

Gym class is one giant master plan to embarrass the living hell out of the unathletic & clumsy.

Here’s why…

Presidential Standards For Physical Fitness Tests

I never met any of the standards; I was below average for everything – Push ups, Sit ups…Don’t get me started on the damn pull up bar.  It drove me bonkers that I was made to hang from the pull up bar – even though I told them I can’t do any pull-ups.

Please….just put zero and let me get to the next embarrassing “test”. Never happened & there I hung.

If someone put a gun to my head and forced me to choose a favorite (yes, that is what it would take) – if I had to pick one; It’d be the sit & reach:  Fly myself forward as fast as I can in hopes that my partner can read the line my finger was at…for a split second.

The Mile Run

It would be a large waste of my time, and yours if I explained this, there is no need. I never ran – I walked.

Queen of the 27 minute mile, right here.

Floor Hockey, Soccer, Football…

Basically any sport or activity that included things being kicked, thrown or smacked in my direction was just bad news. If someone made the questionable choice to give me said object – my goal was always the same. Get rid of it as quick as I can; no thought involved. If that means handing the football off to the opposing team because they happen to be closest – I just do what I have to do.

As long as I no longer have the thing the sport is involved around – life is good.

Dodgeball

Or, what I liked to call it… “I-Hate-My-Life-Ball”.

Am I the only one who gave eyes to the other weak girl on the opposing team? You get me out without injuring me & I’ll return the favor. Oh, my turn to enter the game again since someone caught a ball? I usually let other kids go in front of me until the teacher noticed & forced me back into the whirlwind of foam balls.

Hated it.

Rope Climb

Why? Why is this important; this should be optional.

This should only be mandatory for adults who would need to perform this for a job. Firefighter. Police Officer. Military. Body Builders.

There is not a single reason why my chubby 15 year old ass needs to attempt to climb hang from a rope in front of my class. As if hanging from the pull up bar wasn’t shameful enough…

Again, I’d always try my luck…Can you just mark me down as unable to accomplish, please? 

The same answer always followed – and there I hung…again.


I tried really hard to think of some things about gym class that I didn’t hate.

All I could come up with were those little 4 wheeled scooters & the parachute; both of those were in elementary school though – before the fear of peoples opinions – so they don’t count.

I actually hated everything about it.