The Communal Bathroom At Work Is The Best

-Said no one, EVER.

I do not like plunging other people’s shit, especially co-workers. Even my kid tries to plunge his own unnaturally large craps himself – with a towel – [but that’s another story.]

I enjoy most everyone I work with; it’s a small office with 20ish people going to the bathroom, multiple times a day. A point has been reached and I can no longer sit and be quiet. If I’m being honest, it concerns me what some of their personal bathrooms look like at home.

So we’re clear, I’m not curious – I do not want to see…it’s just concerning.

I’ve learned that what I thought was either public knowledge or common courtesy regarding a communal bathroom is obviously not. For starters, we all poop… it’s a fact of life that I, personally, have learned to deal with. When you do your business in a communal bathroom there are a few things to remember.giphy (2)

1.) Spray some damn air freshener. I’d rather smell poop & berries over  your regular old nasty shit.

2.) Make sure it flushes. Assuming everyone is a grownup that’s using this toilet – I’m sure you know what a clogged toilet does. FIX IT. Nobody in the office gets paid for that.

3.) Make sure you don’t leave a poop stain anywhere on the toilet. This includes the seat AND the inside of the bowl. I do not give two shits [pun intended] if you have to put your hand in the toilet bowl water – get rid of it.

4.) There is no need to try and conceal the fact you poo’d. Keep the fan on and close the damn door on your way out. [Do NOT turn the light off and leave the door wide open, pretending you didn’t just stink the place up, for people to walk by and be forced to waft your nastiness into their noses.]

Now, since we are all pooping… obviously we’re all using toilet paper.giphy (3)

Hypothetically speaking, let’s say you  are using the facilities and there are approximately 2 squares of toilet paper on the roll. It is safe to say, whoever was in there before you is an inconsiderate asshole.

Regardless what you’re wiping, 2 squares doesn’t cut it. I change the toilet paper roll constantly at my house: for the man I married and the kid I birthed… I don’t want to do it for my coworkers.

In addition to the communal bathroom, in many offices you also share a communal kitchen area. THIS IS WHY YOU WASH YOUR HANDS. If you want to spread your bathroom germs all over your desk, keyboard…whatever – that’s your [less-than-desirable] decision – but don’t force them upon people you work with & their lunch.

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I give full permission for professionals to print this and hang it in their communal bathrooms.

Seriously, STFU: Bae [and other terrible slang]

I was young once. I used words that confused my parents & sometimes made them cringe…

[36 Slang Phrases From The 90s You Should Use]

These new words that are coming from a younger generation? Well, they kinda make me wince; add more wincing if I have to listen to it coming out of someone my age.

Bae? C’mon… this word drives me nuts.

bae urbandictionary

How did that happen? I mean, I suppose bae kinda sounds like baby… It’s one less syllable [that’s one clap – for you uneducated bae-using people] which would imply it’s easier to say.

That was kinda mean, I feel a little bad about it but…

Can’t we just stick with, Babe?

Sidenote: I enjoy the red squiggle under it; my computer does not recognize Bae as a word.Thank you, Google Chrome. I wonder how many people have saved Bae to their dictionary? I wonder if people who use that word frequently know how to add words to their dictionary?

…So many questions.

I hated the word, Bae well before I knew it was the danish word for poop; that was an added bonus. It added validity to my judgmental nature to a word.

That sounds pathetic. I’m thirty years old… so apparently, this is how I spend my time. I over analyze words… and judge them like a real bitch… and then, I follow it up with judging people who utilize these words as part of their daily vocabulary.

Depending on the who, what’s & where’s… my reaction to Bae [and other terrible slang] fluctuates.

Ugh.

Yeah, you really just said that.

Wait, did you say that? Was it a joke? …Are you serious?

[I feel inclined to acknowledge that the above depictions may be more glamorous than I, but are not exaggerations.]

Slang Story Time

When I was a young teenager, my grandma bought me classic 90’s baby-tee that said:

DON’T GO THERE in big block letters with sliver glittery border. 

When we got home from shopping my mother says something to the effect of:

Don’t go there?! What does that even mean? [ie: that’s a really stupid shirt]

Before I was able to tell explain the awesome slang I was using, my grandma says…

Well, I just figure it means… if you’re thinking about going somewhere bad, you probably just shouldn’t go. Don’t go there!

So, yes… I’m aware that this crappy slang is nothing new & I’m sure the later generations will come up with something even more nonsensical that I can over analyze & be all bitchy about.

But still… please stop with this Bae stuff.

I couldn’t find a plunger, He said.

I walked into the bathroom last night & it was wet. (I’m talkin’ like – puddle wet)

BENNETT…Come Here………………what happened?

Slowly he peeks his head in & His nervous smirk instantly gave away his knowledge of the situation. I keep staring into his worried baby blues waiting for a response.

I think I’m gonna to be in trouble for this…

This human I created 7 years ago proceeds to tell me that he poo’d out a really big poo…& clogged the toilet. He wanted to fix it, but couldn’t find the plunger………………………………………..so, He used a towel instead.

whoawow

Yes…You read that right.

My eyes immediately shift to the towel rack where I see his green frog towel – dripping.

Drip, Drip, Drip…onto the already overflowed toilet water covering the bathroom floor.

A million visuals are racing through my head at this point & one of them is my son shoving his poop down the toilet with a towel– elbows deep in toilet (poop) water. How did I not know this happened?! Lord, help me…Was this before dinner?! Did he wash his hands?!?

As I am imagining how this all went down I failed to notice that Bennett was staring at me – watching my facial expressions change with each new visual.

I thanked him for being honest with me, went upstairs for the plunger…

…And that’s that.

imnotevenmadthatsamazing