“Um, Your Son Just Said The ‘N’ Word…”

I’m sorry…

what did you say?

I am staring back at a young boy, who is hired by the service I pay to watch my 1st grader after school as if he’s speaking in a foreign language.

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Dead locked. He’s serious.

Normally, my interactions with this kid (not mine – the kid watching my kid) are pleasant & I’d take his word for it, however, nearby there is a group of children… maybe 12 years old?

They are very cool. Like, the coolest kids on the block. They have this song…

…blaring out of their too cool for school phones, or ipads… whatever…

So, I break this stare down & say, “Do you think it might be, because that song is playing?”…

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No.

That’s what he says to me. No. In my head, I am shaking him violently

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…but I’m calmly just staring at him while this tune plays…over & over & over.

I took my kid, walked into the school & grabbed the secretary. Call me a tattle-tale, or say that I “went all mom“…[it wouldn’t be the first time I did.]

There was a community rummage sale going on in the gymnasium – which would explain the plethora of children outside. I was explaining what has all happened up to this point and let me tell you, this woman means business, not just this time, but all the time.

Her eyebrows furrowed and we marched out there together. I sent my kid over to the car with his dad…because, as much as this is necessary – my plan is not to embarrass my own – just the cool kids.

The same song is playing… I can still hear it as we walk up. She very sternly stands with her hands on her hips & I follow her lead.

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[This is the Secretary]

THIS IS A CHILDREN’S PLAYGROUND! TURN THAT MUSIC OFF.

IF YOU KIDS ARE NOT PLAYING BASKETBALL – GET OUTTA HERE! 

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[This is me]

We then strutted away like the bad-ass grownups we are.

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Gym Class. Ugh.

I enjoyed socializing in school & English. That’s it.

Oh wait…

I also enjoyed the Otis Spunkmeyer Chocolate Chip Cookies you could get in the morning…for breakfast. If you had the pleasure of having these delectable delights in your school…you know what I’m talking about – perfectly under-cooked.

Math & I did not have a relationship at all; if there was ever a reason I should not have graduated, math is it. How I never failed a single math course is beyond me. I took my placement tests for college & ended up being placed in a math class that focused on Whole Numbers & Decimals. That’s a true story.

As much as Math and I didn’t (and still don’t) see eye to eye… there was a class that was dreaded even more – way more, actually.

Gym Class. Ugh. (That ‘Ugh’ you see there…use lots of emphasis when you read it…).

As an adult – I understand why it is important for children to learn the importance of movement, exercise & team activities. I’m not saying that the class should be veto’d or anything…

I’m sure I’m even in the minority of people who hated (I meant to use that strong word) physical education.

Gym class is one giant master plan to embarrass the living hell out of the unathletic & clumsy.

Here’s why…

Presidential Standards For Physical Fitness Tests

I never met any of the standards; I was below average for everything – Push ups, Sit ups…Don’t get me started on the damn pull up bar.  It drove me bonkers that I was made to hang from the pull up bar – even though I told them I can’t do any pull-ups.

Please….just put zero and let me get to the next embarrassing “test”. Never happened & there I hung.

If someone put a gun to my head and forced me to choose a favorite (yes, that is what it would take) – if I had to pick one; It’d be the sit & reach:  Fly myself forward as fast as I can in hopes that my partner can read the line my finger was at…for a split second.

The Mile Run

It would be a large waste of my time, and yours if I explained this, there is no need. I never ran – I walked.

Queen of the 27 minute mile, right here.

Floor Hockey, Soccer, Football…

Basically any sport or activity that included things being kicked, thrown or smacked in my direction was just bad news. If someone made the questionable choice to give me said object – my goal was always the same. Get rid of it as quick as I can; no thought involved. If that means handing the football off to the opposing team because they happen to be closest – I just do what I have to do.

As long as I no longer have the thing the sport is involved around – life is good.

Dodgeball

Or, what I liked to call it… “I-Hate-My-Life-Ball”.

Am I the only one who gave eyes to the other weak girl on the opposing team? You get me out without injuring me & I’ll return the favor. Oh, my turn to enter the game again since someone caught a ball? I usually let other kids go in front of me until the teacher noticed & forced me back into the whirlwind of foam balls.

Hated it.

Rope Climb

Why? Why is this important; this should be optional.

This should only be mandatory for adults who would need to perform this for a job. Firefighter. Police Officer. Military. Body Builders.

There is not a single reason why my chubby 15 year old ass needs to attempt to climb hang from a rope in front of my class. As if hanging from the pull up bar wasn’t shameful enough…

Again, I’d always try my luck…Can you just mark me down as unable to accomplish, please? 

The same answer always followed – and there I hung…again.


I tried really hard to think of some things about gym class that I didn’t hate.

All I could come up with were those little 4 wheeled scooters & the parachute; both of those were in elementary school though – before the fear of peoples opinions – so they don’t count.

I actually hated everything about it.