It worked for me, you can gain weight too!

A few months ago I dropped a good 20 pounds, and let me tell you, I was felling real good. I was beaming. I worked my booty off, literally, and people noticed.

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There’s this little, sometimes big, thing I like to do after an accomplishment and that’s eat. All that hard work down the shitter, those 20 (plus some) pounds were back in less than a month… because I guess that’s what happens after thirty.

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whatever…

I need to stop shoveling every delicious and fattening thing into my greedy mouth. Particularly: ice cream, taquitos, pizza and Taco Bell.

So, now that I’ve come back to that realization, it’s go-time again. My knowledge and experience with weight fluctuation basically makes me an expert, so I wouldn’t feel right about hopping back onto my healthy train without giving some plausible advice first.

This is what worked for me – it can work for you too.

TEN HABITS FOR WEIGHT GAIN:

1.)  Eat out as often as possible – you know you can’t make that burger taste as good at home.

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2.)  Marry a loving spouse that could really care less how bubbly and big your ass is getting.

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3.) DO NOT control your portions – this one will get ya. When you’re questioning if you need that extra scoop – trust me, you do. 

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4.) Extra Cheese, Please. (And Add Bacon)…

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5.) Stop drinking water all together and enjoy some carbonated goodness. Fuck water, you can get a Big Buddy from Kwik Trip for a buck!

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6.) Don’t Exercise. At all. The less movement the better.

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7.) Snack, or better yet – eat a 4th meal late at night, right before bed. It’s always easier to fall asleep with a full belly.

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8.) The best way to cure boredom is to eat. Go open that fridge and find something to do/eat. (Bonus: Same deal with stress – fried food makes everything better.)

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9.) Wine on Monday, Wine on Tuesday, Wine on Wednesday… Wine. Wine. Wine.

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10.) When you feel full – you aren’t actually full. Fight through the it and eat the rest of that pleasingly excessive portion you put there. …Um, and don’t you dare forget dessert.

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So, there it is folks. All you have to do is eat like shit and sit on your ass. If you have any questions or concerns, I’ll be over here…eating grilled chicken and broccoli until I drop the weight, so I can celebrate and start the vicious cycle all over again.

Happy Gaining.

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Hump Day Humor #11

This week…I have jumped back onto my fitness train.

[Choo Choooo – I’m so hungry]

A while back I actually gave some friendly tips on how to gain excess weight……..if that’s what you want. I’m pretty darn good at it; some may even call me an expert.

Seeing how it’s not my expertise (yet), working out regularly & tracking my grub has me feeling some mixed emotions.

Here they are.
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Real Talk.
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…stress eating – it happens to the best of us.
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Jerks.
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If only it were that easy. …….Wait…… Was that weird?
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Story of my life.
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That’s totally acceptable, right?
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It’s a sad realization to be told…
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Goodness – This post wouldn’t even exist if bitching burned calories. Who would give a flying … duck about fitness?

We made it to another Wednesday… Congratulations.