Operation MILF by Fall

Two times in my life I purchased (important) dresses too small, for motivation sake, which I would never relay that advice to anyone I even remotely have a liking for. If you’ve never zipped your wedding dress up for the first time during the final fitting, you don’t know what true relief feels like.

I was a size 12 when my mom took me wedding dress shopping. The first dress was the one I ended up walking down the aisle in, even after trying on about a dozen more afterwards I didn’t want to feel like I was going to prom, and it was the only one that made me feel like a bride. So we ordered it in a size 8, and then went to Chipotle to eat 8 pound burritos to celebrate.

I bought a treadmill two months later.

I started exercising every day, tracking my food, and weight came off. Not quick enough for the first and second fittings, but there was progress. Having it taken out was not an option, and there was no plan B dress, so Taco Bell just wasn’t an option anymore. Skipping a run meant smashing myself into my wedding dress.

I ran my ass off, literally, and it fit so I celebrated with my favorite kinda cookie the second it was zipped up.

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After the wedding I gained some, if not most of the weight I’d lost back, because fuck running and not drinking when there’s not a dress to motivate me anymore.

A couple years later I was asked to be in my best friend’s wedding, and I mean, of course I ordered the dress too small. Why wouldn’t I? I’m a pro. Only this time I was a bit more realistic and ordered a size 10, and since I only had to go down one size this time the procrastination game was strong.

Eventually, I did end up losing weight the same way I did before, exercising every day and choosing chicken and broccoli over pizza, and with the help of some spanx and a few friends to zip ‘er up it fit.

But I did rip it at the reception.

It was clearly less successful, but I’m always amazed at the results I get from simply not shoving my face with whatever I want, and moving around a bit more. So, here I am today, thirty pounds heavier than I was last summer. I know this because one of those God damned Facebook memories popped up and told me that last summer I weighed less than I what I wrote on my driver’s license, which is how I measure true success.

This time I have no dress I need to fit into, but plenty that would fit again if I can get my shit together. I’m three days into tracking my food, and maybe this week I’ll even go for a run outside, in public, where people can see me. I don’t need to be a size 8, I just want to feel confident in my own skin again.

Maybe I’ll call it, Operation MILF by Fall. If anyone wants to hold me accountable, or be a part of this operation, you just let me know. We can start a club.

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#OperationMILFbyFall

It worked for me, you can gain weight too!

A few months ago I dropped a good 20 pounds, and let me tell you, I was felling real good. I was beaming. I worked my booty off, literally, and people noticed.

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There’s this little, sometimes big, thing I like to do after an accomplishment and that’s eat. All that hard work down the shitter, those 20 (plus some) pounds were back in less than a month… because I guess that’s what happens after thirty.

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whatever…

I need to stop shoveling every delicious and fattening thing into my greedy mouth. Particularly: ice cream, taquitos, pizza and Taco Bell.

So, now that I’ve come back to that realization, it’s go-time again. My knowledge and experience with weight fluctuation basically makes me an expert, so I wouldn’t feel right about hopping back onto my healthy train without giving some plausible advice first.

This is what worked for me – it can work for you too.

TEN HABITS FOR WEIGHT GAIN:

1.)  Eat out as often as possible – you know you can’t make that burger taste as good at home.

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2.)  Marry a loving spouse that could really care less how bubbly and big your ass is getting.

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3.) DO NOT control your portions – this one will get ya. When you’re questioning if you need that extra scoop – trust me, you do. 

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4.) Extra Cheese, Please. (And Add Bacon)…

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5.) Stop drinking water all together and enjoy some carbonated goodness. Fuck water, you can get a Big Buddy from Kwik Trip for a buck!

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6.) Don’t Exercise. At all. The less movement the better.

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7.) Snack, or better yet – eat a 4th meal late at night, right before bed. It’s always easier to fall asleep with a full belly.

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8.) The best way to cure boredom is to eat. Go open that fridge and find something to do/eat. (Bonus: Same deal with stress – fried food makes everything better.)

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9.) Wine on Monday, Wine on Tuesday, Wine on Wednesday… Wine. Wine. Wine.

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10.) When you feel full – you aren’t actually full. Fight through the it and eat the rest of that pleasingly excessive portion you put there. …Um, and don’t you dare forget dessert.

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So, there it is folks. All you have to do is eat like shit and sit on your ass. If you have any questions or concerns, I’ll be over here…eating grilled chicken and broccoli until I drop the weight, so I can celebrate and start the vicious cycle all over again.

Happy Gaining.

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Current Struggle: I want to be skinny but I love calories.

It was 75 degrees and sunny in Wisconsin yesterday, which happened to be Cinco De Mayo, when I walked into my job that specializes in German fare. Given the lovely weather and the holiday that doesn’t make patrons want to go out for Weiner Schnitzel – I wasn’t anticipating a stressful night.

Usually slinging food until roughly 9:00pm, when I was on my home at 7:30 with the sun still shining it only seemed right to stop and buy myself a giant can of Bud Light Lemon-Ade-Rita. I should tell you though, before that purchase, I got the boys in my life some Oreo shakes from Burger King and congratulated myself on my spectacular self-control.

Three Oreo shakes, please…

You ran two miles today! Don’t let it be for nothing! You got this! 

Nevermind, make that two.

Gosh, I’m the best.

When all was said and done, I consumed 600 calories of Lemon-Ade-Rita instead.

Can’t win them all.

You’re Looking Good, Zach Galifianakis!

Well, that’s certainly on the list of things I never thought I’d say.

Apparently Mr. Zach Galifianakis has been exercising or something… eating some salad and it’s safe to say…

He look’s good! 

via: etonline.com
via: etonline.com

Very interesting…

It’s safe to say that I didn’t see this one coming.

Way to go, man. I hope you’re still funny.

Hump Day Humor #11

This week…I have jumped back onto my fitness train.

[Choo Choooo – I’m so hungry]

A while back I actually gave some friendly tips on how to gain excess weight……..if that’s what you want. I’m pretty darn good at it; some may even call me an expert.

Seeing how it’s not my expertise (yet), working out regularly & tracking my grub has me feeling some mixed emotions.

Here they are.
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Real Talk.
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…stress eating – it happens to the best of us.
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Jerks.
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If only it were that easy. …….Wait…… Was that weird?
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Story of my life.
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That’s totally acceptable, right?
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It’s a sad realization to be told…
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Goodness – This post wouldn’t even exist if bitching burned calories. Who would give a flying … duck about fitness?

We made it to another Wednesday… Congratulations.